One Step
From Grace

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five
Chapter Six Chapter Seven

TWO

“We’re in Trauma Two!”

The EMS team opened the back door of the ambulance and were swift, but careful, extracting the stretcher holding their patient who lay fixed and immobilized with his head in a neck and shoulder brace.  The doors to the emergency room’s receiving bay parted automatically.  David’s eyes swirled and strained to see the activity, but all he could make out were the chests and chins of too many people hovering too close above him.  One held an IV bag; another kept the patient’s hands to his chest because he was trying to get free from the grasp and motion to someone.  Anyone.  His vision fogged, but still he kept repeating the same in a weak and unsteady voice.

“Jeff . . .tell Jeff –”

“Try and stay still Mr. Durling!  You’re going to be okay,” one voice said in a loud, unconvincing tone.

The stretcher punched through the doors of Trauma Room Two and within seconds the blinding lights seemed to swallow him whole. More chests and chins appeared, most dressed in pale, worn blue.  Some wore masks, making their already odd appearance more terrifying. 

“Where we at here!” a man’s voice called out.

“Forty-one-year-old male, fell approximately twenty-five feet from a stone ledge, hit his back several times on other ledges before landing on the ground. Suspected injuries to the vertebrae.  No response to external stimuli from mid-sternum. ”

God Karen! I can’t breathe.  I’m frozen. Jeff!  Please God, help me; where are you, Jeff?

“Vitals!” the voice shouted.

“BP’s 140 over 75; respiration 24.  Regular rhythm.”

“Okay, on three!” Someone called.

“One.  Two.  Three!”

The haze of the room shifted to the left as the board on which David lay was moved to the exam table.

“Start a loading does of Solumedrol!  Twenty-one-hundred milligrams; piggyback in the line for the next fifteen minutes.  Let’s get a series of the back and spinal cord.  Call CT.”

David’s eyes were spinning and he began to speak in short choppy phrases.

“Je—ff!” it came out in a gasp and was painful.  “You – need.  Please! My son – ”

“It’s okay! Try to stay calm.  I know you’re scared; try to help me, alright?”  The masked figure looked down as he began to touch different parts of the patient’s body with a thin, steel stick.  “I need you to tell me if you can feel a poking or a prick anywhere as I touch you, okay?  Do you feel this?  Do you – ”

“Can …Jeff!”

The doctor looked up and shouted, “What’s his name?”

“David,” came the reply. “David Durling.”

“David,” the face looked back down.  “I need you to relax!  You’re going to be okay, but you need to stay as calm as possible.”

“Jeff!” he gasped.

“Jeff is going to be okay.”  He looked up again, “Where’s the son; was he brought in, too!”

One of the paramedics called out from the opposite side of the room.  “No…but he’s just a kid! A neighbor’s bringing him in.”

David managed to raise his hand enough to hold the arm of the masked physician who glanced down before shouting out, “Where’s the boy’s mother?  Is there a wife?”

“The neighbor said the wife works here, but she wasn’t sure where.  They’re trying to find her now.”

The physician froze as the fragments of information fell into place.  He looked down at the face and saw the green eyes flash up at him with fear and alarm and it was then that he registered the muddied Durling and Sons name on the upper left breast of David’s shirt.

“Oh Christ –” he murmured under his breath.  “Page Karen Durling! Get her down here – STAT!” 

David’s eyes began to roll back.  Thank God –

“He’s losing pressure! Respiration falling –” His breathing became more labored.

“Okay, let’s move! Get an airway established – come on people! Move! Move!  We are not going to lose him!”

The red crash cart was cracked open in an instant and the nurse from the left assisted the other on the right.  His shirt was cut and torn down the middle; and in a heartbeat his breathing was assisted through an artificial airway inserted down his throat.  In a moment his mouth was rendered still and silent, and David felt what little control he had left draining like water down an unclogged pipe.

Within moments his respiration began to climb.  He tried to move his arms and was pawing at the airway tube when a hand grabbed his and a voice spoke firmly, but kind.

“Mr. Durling, we need you to be as still as possible.  Please!”

A garbled noise emitted from his throat and his eyes were blinking rapidly again, and watering now, as well.  He continued trying to move his hands.  It was then that a second doctor pushed a stream of something clear through a syringe into the IV tube, then tossed the empty syringe into the red box just above his head. 

“Versed.  Two point five milligrams.”

“Foleys in place,” came a voice from the middle of the table.

Monitors were blinking and beeping rapidly.  A lab tech hurried from the room with three vials of David’s blood in her care.

“Respiration is nineteen.”

The room was full of mismatched sounds.  Monitors beeped.  Wrappers were ripped.  Medical personnel continued with conversation that meant nothing to the untrained.

“Twenty-one! Pressure’s one-ten over seventy-four!”

The doctor who had made the connection of his patient to Karen Durling let out a long breath.  “Okay – let’s get those pictures done!”

The radiology technicians began their pirouette around the exam table, moving the bulky, mobile X-ray machine into place to obtain the most accurate view possible from a patient who couldn’t be moved.  The right-  and left-hand nurse assisted with the set up.  The nurse on his right removed the Saint Christopher medal, which was the only thing left on David’s body. His hands had begun to relax and his eyes were closing every few seconds despite his best efforts to stay alert.

The doctor looked up at the clock and called out across the room.  “Get Bill Morgan down here.  Get O.R. alerted and ready.”

The nurse immediately began punching numbers on the phone when the door to the corridor opened and an older nurse, in her mid-fifties, glanced in.  An I.D. badge identified her simply as Kim, R.N. and she motioned to the nurse by the telephone as she spoke. “His son just arrived with a neighbor.  They’re both badly shaken.”  She glanced back toward the corridor.  “Is there any other family?”

“They’re paging his wife; she works here.  Her name is Karen Durling.”

Kim glanced over at the patient on the table.  “Okay.  I’ll see if there’s some other family member we can call.  That poor boy; I guess he was the only one with him.”

The doctor next to David looked up at the clock and then over at the nurses.  “Where the hell is Karen Durling?”

“She’s been paged overhead.  She isn’t answering in her office.”

“Well someone better find her.”

Kim quickly left the room and immediately stood facing Dee and Jeff.  They both looked like scared deer caught in the beam of headlights.  Dee was visibly shaking, and there was perspiration on her forehead and above her lips.  Her hands were on Jeff’s shoulders.  The boy was ashen and stared at Kim in silence.  Dee spoke for him.  “Can he go in and see his father?”  Her words shook as much as her body.  “He really is quite frightened.”

“I understand that,” Kim said kindly.  She took Jeff by the hand and led him to a chair just outside the doorway. Dee took the chair next to the boy.  “What is your name, hon?”

Jeff continued to stare at the woman.  Dee answered.  “Jeff.”

“Jeff,” Kim’s voice was gentle and calm and Jeff thought she sounded a bit like his grandmother.  “The doctors are with your dad right now.  And they just need to check a few things before you can see him, okay?”

The boy nodded, but said nothing.  Kim glanced at Dee then back at Jeff.

“They’re taking very good care of him.  You need to try not to worry, okay?”  Another nod as Kim squeezed his hand.  “Alright.  Now, your mom is on her way.  But I wanted to know if there is anyone else you think your mom or dad would want you to call?” Her eyes scanned the boy’s face.  “Do you have any other relatives close by; a grandma or grandpa, or maybe an aunt or uncle, or –”

“Caleb!”  Dee broke in.  Kim looked up.  “His brother! I mean, his uncle, David’s brother.  His brother is Cal Durling, and they work together.”

“Wonderful,” Kim nodded.  “Do you know how we can reach him?”

“Why, yes!” Dee felt relief that she was about to be put to use.  “I’ll call him!”

“No!”  Kim checked her tone, “I mean, it would be better if one of us called.  Can you tell me where he works, so I can get the number?”

“I know the number,” she nodded.

Of course she did.  She had it memorized she dialed it so often.  Dee quickly rattled it off to Kim who wrote it down on a slip of paper she’d pulled from a pocket in her scrubs and then took it to a nurse in the communication’s center just a few yards away.

“Cal Durling is the brother of the patient in two.  We need to find him – quickly.  This is his work phone.  Let him know we’re trying to find Mrs. Durling and that his son is already here, with a neighbor.”

Kim returned to the two.  Dee was rubbing Jeff’s shoulders as they boy stared at the door behind which his father lay.

Dad, please don’t die.  Why wouldn’t you let me on the ledge?  I could have grabbed you!  Mom – don’t let him die.  Please – God.

“Jeff,”  Kim asked softy.  “Would you like something to drink?  Maybe a soda?  Or some water?”  He shook his head and then Kim looked at Dee, offering the same.  “You look like you could use a glass of water.”

Dee did look drawn.  She knew in her heart that none of this would have ever happened if she hadn’t pushed David into coming to her home to look at the bushes.

How will I ever look at this man – this family – again?  “Actually, I think I need some air for a minute.  But I don’t want to leave Jeff here alone.” She looked down at the boy who continued to watch the door.

Kim weighed the scene.  “I’ll be with Jeff.  You should step outside if you need to; that’s fine. I don’t want you overwhelmed either – please.  Mrs. Durling will be here very soon.

Reluctantly, but with an equal measure of relief, Dee nodded and squeezed Jeff’s hand.  “I’ll be back in just a minute, Jeffrey.”

“We’ll be fine.  You come back when you’re ready,” assured Kim.

Dee nodded, turned and began to walk away.  Before she left the corridor she stopped and turned back to the boy. “Jeff!” she called.  He turned his head to her.  “Your daddy is going to be alright.”

Then she turned again and walked to the nearest exit to get a breath of air.  Her jogging suit swished as she walked.  Normally the humidity would not have been so refreshing; but she had felt herself suffocating inside, and the morning air, no matter how heavy it hung, was welcome.

Inside, Kim took Dee’s spot on the chair next to Jeff and put an arm around his shoulder.  He looked at her and, for the first time, spoke.

“I haven’t called him ‘daddy’ in a long time.”  His tone was unforgiving.  “And he’s not going to be alright.  I know it.”

~ ~ ~

Karen looked at her watch.  She wished she was with her husband and son, on the way to Manistee, instead of the budget meeting that was already running late.  She smiled to herself at the thought of the early morning, before dawn, and how she had shared it with David.  

Trying to re-focus, she glanced at the meeting agenda, reading the last line in italics: Please turn pagers to silent.  Though a common directive in administrative meetings, it always struck her as odd.  Half the people in the auditorium this morning didn’t have their pagers silenced.  They were in a hospital for heaven’s sake and though most were not clinical, there were a number of reasons that any one of the people sitting and listening to the budget outline would need to be contacted in a moment’s notice.  Karen kept a cell phone with her as well, in case Jeff or David ever needed her, but they weren’t used by many yet, so it was the pager that was typically her lifeline at work, and she never silenced it.  It was her job to respond quickly to a call from physicians or the media who wanted instant access to them.   

Her usual diligence was failing today, however.  Before she left her office yesterday she glanced at her internal emails certain she had gleaned the key messages from each.  But what she had missed was a message from the I.T. department indicating the hospital’s digital paging system would be out of service for a few hours the following morning.  Overhead pages were to be used, but employees were asked to keep them limited to emergencies.

Karen leaned toward Catherine Walker, a long-time colleague and friend, and whispered, “We should have told Deana to page us around nine o’clock so we could get the heck out of here!” 

“The thought crossed my mind,” Catherine whispered in reply.  “But remember she took a few hours off this morning; and anyway the system is down till nine-thirty or ten.”

She turned to her friend, “I didn’t know the system was down.”

“Don’t worry; Tim has the media phone.”

“Even still,” Karen checked her watch. The meeting was running fifteen minutes over and she decided she could slip out without too much commotion.  “I’m going to head back.  I’m leaving around eleven so if I don’t see you, have a good weekend.”

“You too,” she smiled.  “Tell David happy Father’s Day.”

“Thanks, I will.”  She rose from her seat and began to make her way up the aisle of the large auditorium and as she reached the top noticed Tim, from her staff, standing just inside the double doors, clearly trying to place her in the crowd.

“Tim,” she whispered and motioned at the same time. “Right here.” 

The young man turned toward her and had an odd expression which made Karen immediately think the media, or some doctor, was trying to find her for the last hour and poor Tim probably had to take the brunt of their impatience.  She reached him at the double doors.

“What is it?”

He truly looked worried. “I thought you had heard your overhead page – ”

“You can’t really hear them in here, what’s up?”

“I’m sorry. The operator finally called me.  Your son – you need to get to the E.R.  He’s down there with a neighbor. And —”

Karen’s heart leapt while her stomach fell.  In a breath she had bolted through the double doors of the quiet auditorium, causing their hinges to screech at the unexpected heave, leaving little choice for most of those assembled to turn and see the cause for commotion.  Tim saw Catherine and thought he should tell her what was happening.  He knew they were good friends; Karen might need her. 

~ ~ ~ 

Karen pushed through the steel doors into the E.R. In full motion – as it was at every hour – nurses and technicians, a few police officers, a group of residents with a physician, an electrician from maintenance, and several civilians moved in separate circles; no one or group getting too close to the other.

The corridor, lit by a series of long fluorescent lights on the ceiling, reflected off the tiled walls casting a hazy-yellowish hue.  Despite the constant efforts at remodeling and updating the space, it always seemed worn and battered, much like the patients who were treated within the rooms. 

She headed quickly in the direction of the main station glancing, as she could, into the rooms on either side of the hall.  Her heart was pounding and her back felt hot.  In one room an infant was wailing at the hands of a doctor trying to examine her ears while her mother attempted to calm her.  Another room held an elderly gentleman who was dozing, upright, on a gurney – an oxygen canula trailing from his nostrils.  Her eyes darted madly around the hall as she quickened her step.  From overhead a nurse was paged to the Green Zone.  Just a moment before she reached the main station she caught a glimpse of a young boy in a chair outside an exam room.  A nurse was sitting next to him with a hand on his shoulder.  Karen did a double-take as her mind registered.

“Jeff – Jeff!” Her mind tumbled as she raced toward her son.  Both the nurse and the boy looked up.  She reached him and, stooping, took his face in her hands. “Oh, honey!” He threw his arms around her as the words fell from her mouth. “Thank God!  Are you okay? I got a call you were here and – what happened?  I’m so glad you’re alright, I was so – ”

“Mrs. Durling,” began Kim.  But Jeff broke in.

“Mom,” his voice sounded strange; his eyes were wide.  “Is he alright?”  His hands were shaking. “Is Dad gonna be okay?”

Karen shook her head, not understanding.  Then her stomach turned as the scene unfolding around her began to focus.  The heat in her back shot through her.  “Dad?  What are you –” She looked at the nurse and back at Jeff. “Where is Dad, Jeff?” Her hands fell to his knees. “Oh God – what hap –”

“Mrs. Durling,” Kim interjected. “Your husband was brought in just a short while ago.”  Karen felt her body shaking. “He’s inside.  There’s a team with him now, and –”

“Team!  What team – what happened?” She looked back at Jeff with terrified eyes. “Honey, where were you?  What –”

“I’ll take you in –”  Kim stopped and turned to the new voice; Dee Mercer had appeared out of nowhere and was clutching her own hands, rubbing them hard with her thumbs.

“Oh Karen! Thank God you’re here!  I’m so sorry – I feel like this was all my fault!”

Karen had risen from her stooped position; confusion was still reigning but panic was mounting an overthrow.  “Dee?” She couldn’t grasp why her neighbor was standing in front of her, or what she could possibly have done to David.  “For God’s sake – would someone tell me what’s going on?”  Karen looked back to Kim.

“Mrs. Durling,” her voice held greater authority now.  She looked down at Jeff and back at Dee.  “I’ll have you wait with Jeff while I take Mrs. Durling in.”

Dee nodded quickly, “Of course!”

Kim took Karen’s arm and walked a few feet out of earshot from her neighbor and son.  “Mrs. Durling, the doctors are taking good care of your husband and they’ll explain what happened.”

Karen swallowed and began to move toward the closed door. “I want to see him, now!”

The nurse kept hold of her.  “I understand.  But before we go in I want you to take a deep breath for me.  Alright?”  Karen’s heart was racing and she nodded obediently. “You’ll be okay, I just don’t want you overwhelmed.  Now, it might appear frightening.  But try not to be scared. Touch him. Talk to him, and reassure him as much as you can.”  Another nod.  “He has an airway down his throat, and there are a lot of machines, but he’s – ”

“Please,” Karen cut her off in a voice barely above a whisper.  “Just let me see him.”  She glanced back at Jeff and Dee.  What had happened to David, while Jeff was with him, that could have left her husband so beaten and her son untouched?  And why was Dee Mercer there?

Kim put one hand on Karen’s shoulder and with the other slowly pushed open the wide door to Trauma Room Two.  Karen tried at once to take in the full scene, as well as find David.  A huge, stainless steel lamp was suspended over the exam table in the center of the room, throwing a terrifically bright light on its subject below.  Its intensity made the rest of the room seem hazy.  She saw the empty wrappers from medical supplies and medications strewn on the floor.  A pile of torn clothes.  She recognized the Durling and Sons shirt in the heap.  Monitors blinked and beeped quickly, in time with her own heart.

Karen forced her gaze to the table.  She first saw an arm, covered in dirt and mud and streaked with blood.  She swallowed hard and forced her eyes to move up the arm.  She saw a chin.  A cheek; smeared and stained just as the arm.  There was the plastic tube coming from the mouth, just as promised, and another in the nose.  She felt weak and began to lose her balance.  Kim tightened her grip to hold her up.

“Can you go in?” she asked calmly.

Karen nodded and steadied herself and slowly began to move from the nurse’s gentle hold.  Cocking her head, she took a few steps closer, looking around for the first time at the nurses and doctor who were in the room with her.  It was then she recognized Ken Baumhart, the medical director of trauma, standing on the right side of the exam table at David’s head.  Arms crossed, he was studying the monitor’s screen when he noticed her.  He uncrossed his arms and motioned for her to come close.

“Ken?” Her voice was barely audible.

“It’s okay – you can come closer.”  His voice was gentle and reassuring.  A nurse who was on the left side of the table near David’s head stepped back to let Karen take her position.  Karen tried to smile a ‘thank you.’

The nurse put a hand on her arm, “You okay?”

She nodded again.  The monitors kept up their steady beeps.  The radiology technicians were finished with their task and fell silent as they prepared to leave the room with their materials.  Baumhart gave a weak smile of reassurance to Karen and then leaned down toward his patient’s face and called out.

“David?” Karen startled at the volume of his voice.  “David, Karen is here now.  I want you to open your eyes.” The room was silent except for the beeps and whirs of the monitor.  A few seconds passed.  “David –”

Then, like an assistant responding to a hypnotist’s command, David opened his eyes, slowly, blinking several times from the light.

“Karen is right here.  She’s with you now.  Okay?” His voice remained loud, almost patronizing.

He blinked again and slowly moved his eyes to meet her frightened gaze.  He tried to swallow and lifted his right hand off the table.  When he did, the beeping from one of the monitors instantly became more rapid.  Karen froze.

“It’s alright,” assured Baumhart.

She wrapped her hand over her husband’s fingers, surprising herself when she spoke with a voice that now sounded calm and in control.  “It’s okay, honey.  I’m right here.  It’s alright.”  David’s fingers tightened around her hand.  She placed her left hand on his forehead.  “You’re going to be okay.”  She already doubted her reassurances. “I’m here now.”

His eyes kept blinking and he tried to speak, despite the tube.  But the pain stopped him and all that was audible was a garbled moan in an unfamiliar pitch. 

“David – don’t try to talk.  Okay guy?” Baumhart’s voice was full of compassion. “I need you to try and be still.”

“Ken,” Karen looked over at him, never taking her hands from David.  “I don’t know what happened.  The nurse said someone would tell me, but I don’t – ”

The door to the hallway opened and Catherine took a step inside. Recognizing her, Baumhart nodded and motioned for her to come closer.

“Karen,” she stood behind her.  “I’m here.”  She paused and then, “How can I help?”

Karen’s eye welled and she held her hand behind her, never taking her gaze from her husband.  “He’s been down here, without me for – ”  Stop it!  Stop crying – not in front of him.  Or Jeff – Oh Jeff!  “I need to have someone with Jeff.  I don’t know how he got here, but – ”

“I’ll be with him.  Your brother-in-law is on his way, too.”

“Good – Okay.”  She stared at David.

Catherine squeezed her hand again.  “I’m just outside.  We’re here for you.” Then she glanced at Ken and she could tell from his eyes that she should stay close.  She swallowed and nodded and quietly slipped from the room.  Karen bent to David’s head, touching her lips to his hair.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

He slowly lifted his eyelids and a tear rolled from the corners of each.  Ken had made his way around the exam table and now stood close to her. He had known her for more than a decade and didn’t hesitate to put an arm around her shoulder.  “Let’s step aside – we’ll be right over here.”

She kissed him again and in a whisper, “I’ll be right here, honey.  I’m not leaving the room.  I’m just over here with the doctor.”

His eyes fluttered sleepily while Ken guided her away from the table.  He turned her to face him and put his hands on her shoulders and could feel her shaking.

“What happened to him?” she pleaded.

He took a deep breath.  He hated these moments.  There could be a million of them in a career such as his, but he would never become steeled to them.  “Karen – David fell.  Apparently he was in your neighbor’s yard – ”

“Dee?” She shook her head; none of this was making sense.  “Why?  What was he doing –”

“I can’t answer the details of why he was there.  But he was on a wall, or ledge of some sort.  He slipped and fell, backward.  He hit several …”

Her face contorted, as if in pain herself.  Ken kept talking and Karen appeared to be listening, but her mind had floated to Dee Mercer’s yard.  She saw the ledges – all five.  She saw the jagged stones that bordered them and her own back stung at the thought of how it would feel to fall on just one of the sharp corners.  The idea made her shiver and her mind snapped back to Ken who was still talking.

“ …I need to be honest with you.  He’s very badly injured.  We’re going to be taking him up to CT in just a few minutes.”  She nodded and stared at him for more.  “We need to get a scan of the vertebrae and spinal cord.  He’s experiencing widespread numbness and I need a clearer picture than what I’ve got from the X-rays.”

She looked back toward her husband and swallowed hard. “Is he going to die?” she asked quietly.  The words hung for a moment before the doctor answered.

“He’s critically injured, but – ”

“Is he going to die?”

“He’s very strong.  And his vitals are stable right now.  That’s crucial.  But that doesn’t mean he’s out of danger,” he cautioned.  “You know in a trauma such as this that the first twenty-four hours are the most critical.  But right now, he’s holding his own.”

Karen turned and began walking back toward her husband.  She had heard enough.  Baumhart wondered if she had understood him as he explained about the numbness, but he wasn’t going to pull her back to reiterate the point.  To say what?  Did you hear me?  He can’t move half his body!

For a brief moment he hoped she hadn’t heard it all.  There would be time.  And he very much liked and respected the woman whose husband’s life now hung in the balance, and he wished her no worries or tragedies.  But his wishes would go unanswered; because Karen had understood everything he had said, explicitly and implicitly. 

She placed her hand on David’s fingers.  This time there was little response.  He lay quiet and resting, finally.  Only the monitors kept their bouncy pace.

The door opened and Kim told Baumhart they were ready in CT.  Karen bent down and kissed her husband’s forehead.  I love you. And I won’t let you down.  I promise. Straightening, she folded a lock of hair behind her ear and turned to Baumhart.  “Can our son come up?”

“Of course,” he answered quietly.

Two nurses came forward to the table.  Karen stepped aside.  She looked around the room and tried to take in the remains of the morning one final time before moving to the door to be with Jeff.  How did this happen to us?

She walked slowly to the door and pulled on the handle.  Immediately she was taken aback by the group that had assembled to offer their support:  To her right was her son, embraced at his shoulders by her sister-in-law, Lynne.  Next to her was one of her three sons, Joey.  How did they know?  Next to Joey stood Catherine.  To her left Dee stood stone-faced, still rubbing her hands.  Tim was there; having arrived shortly after Catherine.  He straightened as he saw the door open and smoothed his tie.

And walking toward her then, down the dim and hazy corridor, was her brother-in-law, Cal. His face went ashen as he took in the number of people surrounding her.  She watched him quicken his gait and, as he approached, was struck by just how much he looked like his brother.  Although Karen had always seen the distinct, as well as subtle, differences between them, people often mistook the two brothers for the other.  But she knew there would be no mistaking the two ever again.  And her whole self felt ill, and her mind felt guilty, as well as betrayed, by the thought swirling through her mind:  Cal is the one who can walk.

THREE

Inside the family waiting room Karen sat on the lime green vinyl couch with her arm around Jeff”s shoulder.  His head was tucked into her side, and she held him close while she stared at the clock on the wall across the room.  Every few minutes she bent her head to him, his hair soft on her cheek.

Cal was pacing, moving back and forth only a short distance so he was never far from either of them.  Lynne sat opposite of her sister-in-law and Joey was perched on the armrest of his mother’s chair.  He wished he could say something to comfort his cousin, anything to drown the silence of the adults.  But nothing came to him and the clock kept its steady pace, stealing minutes. 

The room was lit by a single lamp on a small table next to the couch and gave a soft glow around the space, making the small room feel even more intimate.  Almost calm.

Finally, the door opened and Baumhart came in, followed by Bill Morgan, one of the highest regarded orthopedic surgeons on the medical staff.  The two stopped a few feet inside the door and then, closing it behind them, came toward Karen.  Their faces were calm but cheerless.  Setting Jeff back gently she stood and, checking their expressions, felt certain she knew what was about to play out.

“Let’s sit down,” said Morgan, extending his arm toward the couch.  Karen sat back down next to Jeff, Cal took a seat on the boy’s other side.  To anyone who might have walked in at that moment, they would have thought the two to be father and son.  Lynne pulled Joey closer to her. 

“Karen,” Morgan began gently. “We’ve looked at where we’re at, and we really have no choice but to operate.”

Cal sat back and heaved a restless sigh, rubbing his legs with his hands.  Karen nodded and swallowed but, for Jeff’s sake, maintained a steady demeanor.

“What did the scan show?” she asked.

Morgan looked at Karen, then Jeff and Cal, and back to her.  “David has a compression fracture – near the spine.”  He paused, but no one else spoke, so he continued, using his hands as a visual aid.  “When he fell, the force caused the spine to be compressed and also caused some of the vertebrae around the spine to break.  When the vertebrae broke, some of the bone fragments became lodged in the spinal cord.  Consequently there’s a great deal of swelling.  The steroids he received downstairs have helped relieve that a bit, but we need to operate and remove as many of the fragments as we can, as well as stabilize the spine.”

Her mind was racing and her stomach felt sick.  The previous moments in which she’d held on to any hope were over.  She knew where Morgan was heading.  But Jeff didn’t.  And she did not want him to hear it; not then.  Not yet.

“Lynne,” she turned to her sister-in-law.  “Can you take Jeff home – back to your house?”

“No!” the young boy protested.  “I want to stay – Mom! I don’t wanna’ leave!”

“Listen to me, honey.”  Her eyes went soft for her son.  “It’s okay.  I know you want to stay.  I understand that. But this is going to be a long afternoon and I want you to be with your cousins right now.”

“But Mom, I don’t – ”

“Jeff.  Dad is going to be alright.”  You’re lying, Karen.  “But he’s going to need you to take care of yourself and you staying here all afternoon won’t help you do that.  You can come back later.  I promise.”

Cal picked up on Karen’s lead and tried to convince his nephew, as well.  “Hey, Sport.  It’s okay, guy.  I’ll be here with your Mom.  It’ll be good for you to be with Aunt Lynne and the guys. Your Dad would not want you just waiting here all afternoon.” He looked over at his wife and tossed her invisible ball.

“Jeff,” Lynne offered gently.  “Hon, come home with me.  Your Mom’s right.  I promise you, as soon as she calls, I’ll bring you back.”

“But I – ”

Karen shook her head but kept her expression soft. “Cal,” she was trying so hard to stay in control of her voice.  “I want you to walk down with them.”  She looked at Jeff and could tell from the anger on his face that he might not make this an easy scene for his aunt. “Honey, I’ll call you as soon as Dad’s out of surgery.  I promise. Okay?”  The boy nodded hesitantly but wouldn’t look at his Mother. “Hey, Jeff – your Dad is very strong and he’ll make it through this surgery.  I have no doubt.”  He nodded again.  “Okay then,” she forced a smile and kissed his cheek.  He was still looking down and she lifted his chin in her hand so their eyes met.  She shook her head.  “I’m not going to let you down.”

Another nod and Cal took advantage of the moment.  As he stood, the others automatically followed.  “Okay, buddy,” he said, but when he glanced at his sister-in-law he could see her resolve was weakening and he needed to get Jeff away from her.  “I’ll be back in just a few minutes, Karen.”

Lynne crossed the few steps between her and wrapped her arms around Karen’s neck.  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.  “I’m so sorry.”

She nodded with her eyes closed, and hid for a moment in the privacy of the veil of Lynne’s long brown hair.  She straightened and pulled away, giving a small smile of thanks.  Jeff and the others began to walk away but, after just a few steps, he stopped and turned around.

“Mom?” he looked back.

“Yeah Honey?” she asked quietly.

The boy swallowed hard. “Tell Dad I love him.”

“I will. I promise,” she nodded, hoping he didn’t see her eyes filling.  “He knows that.  I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

When her family disappeared around the corner Karen took in a long, full breath and exhaled.  She looked at Baumhart and Morgan and knew they had much more to say.  And they were fairly certain she knew the same.  Karen Durling had pedaled enough trauma stories in her career to know how too many of them played out.  But she had never been the family member before, and the conversation that had been started needed to be finished.

They each sat down. She cleared her throat and folded her hair behind her ear.  Despite the closeness of the room, goose bumps dotted her arm.  She was looking down when she finally spoke.

“Okay – you said you needed to stabilize the spine.  How will you do that?”

She hadn’t noticed her hands starting to shake but Baumhart had, and he reached over to calm her.  It was Morgan who answered.  “It’s called a spinal fusion. We’ll need to insert steel rods and fuse them to the bones around the point of compression, so as to reinforce the area that was weakened.”  He stopped, but it hadn’t sounded as if he was finished and Karen looked him directly in the eyes.  “What we’re really after is to prevent additional damage to the spinal cord.”

She swallowed again and her eyes began to fill.  “How much – I mean, what kind of damage is there?” she held her breath for the answer.

“The compression is at the lower-thoracic level.  As I said, there’s several bone fragments causing the severe swelling.”  He stopped for a moment.  “I’ll be frank with you, because you wouldn’t want it any other way.  And there’s no other way to explain it – ”

“David is paralyzed – isn’t he?” she had cut him off in barely a whisper.  Then she looked at Baumhart, as if her old friend could change this horrid reality.

Morgan took in a deep breath.  “I’m sorry.  Yes.  I’m afraid so.”  He paused and tried to think of something more reassuring.  There was nothing, and all he could add was, “I really am very sorry.”

Her eyes finally overflowed, but she didn’t attempt to brush away the tears.  She let them fall freely onto her lap as she watched the navy dress turn black from the salty drops.  They all sat silent for a few moments, until she spoke again.

“How bad?  I mean, you said lower-thoracic but –”

“T-9, T-10.”

“And that is?” she thought she knew, but she wanted to be sure.

“The base of the chest, upper abdomen – and below.”

She slumped back, raising her hand to her mouth.  She looked at the clock and watched the hand tick off a few seconds.  That’s all it took.  I’ll bet that’s all the fall lasted; a few seconds.  As she watched the movement, a thought flashed through her mind and she started, “Oh my God, his hands!  What about his hands!”

Morgan was quick to reassure her.  “No, I don’t foresee a problem.  The damage is below the vertebrae that would affect the upper extremities.”

“Karen, David held you hand downstairs – remember?” said Baumhart.

She nodded as she began to stare off again.  “Oh, that’s right…” Her mind was spinning and floating at the same time.  The two doctors stayed quiet to allow the weight of the last few minutes to settle, then her eyes flashed again.  “Does he know yet?”

“About the extent of the damage?  No.  He’s fairly sedated.  Though he was certainly aware of having no feeling when he was first brought in.  It would have been impossible for him not to know.  But if you’re asking if I have explained to him what I just told you, the answer is no.  We need to take this one step at a time. First we need to get him through surgery.”

She froze. “You think he won’t make it!”

“I didn’t say that,” he angled his head.  “It’s a very delicate surgery; there’s always a risk involved.  But I do not think he’s in imminent danger.  His vitals are amazingly strong; that’s crucial.  And, miraculously, nothing else was injured.  He’s got some cuts, bruises.  But the first twenty-four hours are the most critical.  I can’t give you any guarantees on anything yet.”

Her face changed expression with each new question. “But you’ve done this before – right? I mean, you’re confident you can do this – get him through surgery?”

If the family member he was speaking to hadn’t been Karen Durling, Morgan would have taken offense to the question.  But it was Karen, and he gave her a break.  “Yes, I’ve done this before.  Many times.”

She looked somewhat reassured; but not completely.  And in that moment, both Baumhart and Morgan understood that the Karen Durling they knew had just excused herself, allowing Mrs. David Durling to take her place.  Jumbled thoughts clouded her mind and she began verbalizing them.  “You didn’t say the cord was severed.  So – does that mean there’s still hope he can regain feeling, after time?”

“Karen,” it was Baumhart.  “It takes a lot to sever the spine.  Believe me, the word is used far more than it actually occurs.”

Morgan cut in as if his turf had been trespassed upon.  “None of us can be absolutely certain of the extent of the damage for several days.  Perhaps weeks.  Ken is right; but from what I’m seeing on the scan, there’s a bone fragment deeply embedded in the spine.  I can’t – won’t – give you false hope knowing the way the cord appears to be twisted and the bone is lodged in it.  I’ll know more when I’m inside.

“Now, we’ll start him in rehab almost immediately; inpatient first and then continue to the outpatient program.  There may be a chance – a small chance – some very slight muscle activity will return.  But I don’t think you should expect it.  Again,” he added, “let’s take this a step at a time.”

“Who will tell him?  I mean, I should I know.  But – I just, I don’t know – ”

The two men saw that her rapid thoughts were catching up with her and wished her brother-in-law would get back.  They had offered as much as professional friends could.  

There was a knock on the door and the three looked up as it opened.  A nurse took just one step in and glanced at Morgan.  “You’ll be in O.R. three.  They’re prepping now.”

Morgan nodded and looked at Karen. “We’ll need you to sign the appropriate consent forms.  I know this will be a long afternoon for you.  I’ll have someone keep you posted regularly.”

“How long will it take?”

“Four, perhaps five, hours.  Your brother-in-law, he’ll be with you?”

She wiped another tear as she nodded. “We’re trying to find his parents, too, but…”

“We’ll arrange a private room for all of you to wait in during surgery,” said Baumhart.  “You know, if there is anything we can do to make this easier for you, you just need to ask.” 

Cal arrived back at the room just then and immediately walked to Karen.  The two doctors, who were now standing, looked at her for a hint of direction as to how she wanted to tell him.  They would do it her way – whatever way that was.

“I’m here.”  Cal’s voice was calm and in control.  “I’m right with you.”

She sniffed and tried to smile.  “How was Jeff when you left him?  Is he okay?”

“He’ll be okay,” he replied gently.  “Lynne said not to worry; she’ll stay close to the phone.  She’s going to keep trying to reach Mom and Dad.  There’s still no answer.”

“Karen,” Morgan interrupted, although his voice sounded gentler.  “I’m going to need to go prep.  But if you’d like us to stay and explain – ”

“No,” she shook her head and sniffed.  “I’d like to talk privately.”

He looked at the nurse who was waiting by the door.  “Will you bring Mrs. Durling and – Mr. Durling to their waiting room when they’re ready?”

“Wait!” she blurted.  The three stopped.  “Ken, there’s one thing I’d like you to do for me – for David.”

“Certainly.”

She folded her hair behind her ear.  “Could you have Paul Doran come up, before David is taken into surgery?”

Paul Doran was the Catholic priest on the hospital’s pastoral care staff and Baumhart understood Karen’s request without further explanation.  He nodded and added, “Of course.”

She offered a look of thanks to each of them.  Then Baumhart, Morgan and the nurse left the room, gently pulling the door shut behind them.  The closed door may have afforded her the privacy she needed, but as the doctors began to walk down the corridor, the only sound they could hear was the heartbreaking rise and fall of Karen’s cries.

~ ~ ~

Just after three p.m. Karen and Cal were sitting by the side of David’s bed in the recovery bay as he slept off the anesthesia.  She sat with her arms and legs crossed and her head resting on the wall as she closed her eyes, lost in thought.  Every few moments she’d look over at her husband.  Cal was leaning forward, resting his arms on his knees, hands clasped, staring at the floor.

Neither spoke.  They wanted the silence to last as long as possible.  Cal had finally talked with his parents just after noon, and Ed and Blanche were now heading south on Interstate 75, making their way to their oldest son.  Although Cal had been thorough, he hadn’t given complete details and knew delivering the news to his mom and dad would be devastating for all of them.  But the hardest would still be to come; and as Karen anticipated telling Jeff, her heart ached at the thought of it.

Technically, the surgery had gone well and lasted just more than four hours.  But Morgan’s prognosis was dark and sealed David’s fate.  The fractured vertebrae had lodged deeply into the spinal cord and, because of the way he had fallen and the multiple times he hit the stones, some fragments were so forcefully embedded into the twisted cord that there had been deep cuts into it, as well.  The injury sustained guaranteed David would never have mobility from the area below the ninth thoracic vertebrae.

There was a litany of implications and realities that came with such an injury – from increased risk of infections, secondary illnesses and complications, to mastering the basic tasks for daily living.  From the independent and active life he had led, to the most intimate moments the couple had shared, and to the daily life they’d all had, the family was now — physically, emotionally and mentally — in a world in which, for them, had never existed. 

Karen and Morgan agreed that David would be told the truth and extent of the injury as early as possible.  If there had been some hope of improved circumstance, she may have held out longer; but Morgan was certain and neither would deceive their patient or husband.

So, for a few more minutes, she would embrace the silence. 

She turned her gaze back to David and her mind began to drift into the past.  To the day, eleven years earlier, when Jeff was born.  It was to have been a day of sweet memories and the end result was the sweetest reward anyone could have wished for: Jeffrey David Durling.  Seven pounds, ten ounces and twenty inches long. Ten fingers. Ten toes.  And a cry that had pierced the air with such a shrill even David had known from his place, in the corridor of the obstetrics wing, that his infant was alive and well.  But what about his wife?

When Karen had reached the time of delivery her blood pressure began to drop rapidly,  And before the doctor or nurses could stop her from exerting another push to bring the baby forth, her world went dark.  The placenta had torn from her uterine wall and, while the child began drowning in its mother’s blood, Karen’s own life hung dangerously in peril.  It was the worst scene David could have imagined and he had been left to imagine quite a bit. 

Within seconds of the crisis, one of the labor nurses had shoved him in the hall while the birthing room was transformed into an O.R.  David remained exiled in the corridor while an emergency Cesarean ensued just feet from where he stood.  He would always maintain that a long time passed before anyone came to tell him what had happened.  Though, in reality, Jeff had been delivered – and Karen had been stabilized – within just a few minutes. 

But the event left an indelible mark.  And it was David, who had once hoped to have three, perhaps four, children who asserted that she should never risk the birth of a second child.  It was, without question, the most terrifying moment of his life.  And the haunting memory of almost losing Karen was enough to quell the desire for more.

Karen also wanted, and thought there would be, a second child someday.  She had grown up an only child and knew first-hand that, although such status had distinct advantages, it could be quite lonely.  But there never was another child.  For months afterward, it made David uneasy to talk about, despite the reassurance from Karen and her doctor that one such delivery didn’t equate to a repeat performance.  But the point never had to be proven. Over time, the couple immersed themselves in Jeff’s world; his needs were second to none. And Karen and David became accustomed to, and quite content with, their family trinity. 

She blinked and brought herself back from the memories, and it was then she heard him call her name.  His eyes were opened just slightly, but he was looking toward her and as he said her name again he lifted his hand.  She immediately rose from the chair and her movement startled Cal to his feet as well.

Karen took his hand between her own and smiled down at him.  “Hey you,” she said softly with a smile.  “I was beginning to think you would sleep the whole day away.”

He looked at her for a moment but didn’t say anything; and then his eyes moved to Cal.  He seemed confused.

“I’m here, David.”  Cal’s voice remained calm and reassuring.

His eyes darted around, searching, it appeared, for someone else.  A nurse came into the space then, though he continued looking at his wife. He swallowed before asking, “Where’s – Jeff?”  His voice was dry and sounded tired and scared.

“Jeff is with Lynne.  He’s okay.”  She recalled the promise she’d made to their son earlier.  “He wanted me to be sure I told you that he loves you,” she smiled, stroking his forehead, never taking her eyes from his.

He swallowed again.  “What …what day is it?”

She inhaled.  “It’s Friday.  You’ve been here at the hospital since this morning.  Do you remember?”  She was nodding for him, praying he could at least remember what had brought him to this moment.  He nodded, just slightly.

Bill Morgan came in then; he looked at Karen and gave a small nod of reassurance, then he looked at the monitors and, seemingly satisfied, back down at David.

“David, I’m Dr. Morgan.  I’ve been with you for the last several hours.”  He cleared his throat and began the standard drill.  “You’ve been asleep for a while – so I want to ask you a few questions, see how you’re doing.”

David stared at him blankly.

“Can you tell me your last name?” His voice had changed tone and became a bit too loud for the closeness of the space.

He frowned, not understanding the test, then swallowed again. “Durling.”

“And can you tell me what month it is?”

Again, David looked at Karen who offered a smile and nod of encouragement.  He seemed to think for just a moment.  “June.”

She exhaled.

“David, do you remember what happened to you this morning?”

He looked first at Cal.  Then Karen. And then Morgan.  It was a few seconds before he spoke.  “I remember the yard …needed work.  I slipped or –” he answered uncertainly.  His voice was shaky and still dry but the memory of the morning was beginning to come back to him.  “Dee was there. I went with …Jeff.  Jeff!” The last thought pushed him into full consciousness and his eyes became more aware.  

“Jeff is alright, Honey – I promise.  He’s okay. And –”

“David – you did fall this morning,” Morgan interjected.  “And from the fall you suffered injuries to your back and spine.”  He stared up at the doctor.  Karen took in a breath and the room began to haze over in a white fog.

Don’t look away; keep your eyes on him.  Be strong.  Be strong for him – and for Jeff.  Oh Jeff – how am I ever going to tell you this!  Cal slipped his hand over her shoulder, sensing she needed the brace.

“We had to operate this afternoon to stabilize your spine.”

David’s eyes began to register each word with increased understanding

“You’ve come through a very long operation, very well but –”

She tightened her grip on his hand and the pressure made his eyes find hers.

“Karen?” he sounded scared; but Morgan needed to finish.

“The fall caused substantial injury to your spinal cord and – ”

His eyes were blinking rapidly, and it was obvious the full measure of the doctor’s words was taking hold.

“—the area above the injury, the base of your chest, is fine. But –”

TELL HIM!

“— from the point of injury and below, your body has been paralyzed.”

The last sentence dropped from Morgan’s mouth like a ticking bomb that failed to detonate.  And as his wife, brother and the two strangers who stood above him waited for a sign of the explosion, David closed his eyes.  In his mind he was standing again, in Dee Mercer’s backyard, looking at a row of boxwoods.  He saw Dee extend her arm, motioning him onto the ledge.  He saw the face of his son; first smiling at the silly mistake Mrs. Mercer had made.  But then Jeff’s face changed.  He saw the look of horror on the young boy’s face as his own body began its fateful descent.

And then his mind went back – earlier that morning.  He recalled the storm that had battered their world so viciously and how Karen had been so frightened of the thunder and lightning.  He remembered how he had cradled her in his body until the rains had passed.  And, while the rest of the world was quiet, they had lingered, making love in the dimly lit hour just before dawn.  It was with that memory the bomb made a final tick, and then registered full scale.  As it exploded, David’s eyes opened.  And as he looked up, he found the eyes of the only earthly angel he had ever known; and his tears flowed freely as he began his desperate and mournful pleas for her help.

FOUR

Karen and Cal rode up the patient elevator with David, a nurse and an aide to the ICU unit on the hospital’s fifth floor.  He was sleeping again, having been lightly sedated following the news of his injury and fate of his future.  The digital numbers to the right of the elevator’s door morphed from two to three; three to four and chimed softly at five.  As the doors opened, Karen looked up from her constant watch of her husband to the blank stares of her in-laws who had turned as they heard the soft bell.  She caught her breath and Cal straightened from where he had been leaning on the elevator’s interior rail.  There was a moment of silence then they all began.

“Karen – ” Blanche’s eyes were huge.

“Oh my – David,” Ed looked lost as his eyes went up and down between his sons and daughter-in-law.  “We got here as soon as we could.  Oh honey – ”

“Cal –” she shook her head. “I can’t – not here.” Her eyes looked lost back to his.  “We need to get to his room first and then –” 

He nodded quickly and inched his way through the door, between the bed and the doorframe. He gently took his mother by her elbow; both parents looked directly at him.

“Caleb?”

“Mom and Dad – let Karen get him in his room and then –”

“Cal,” his father repeated.  “What’s – ”

“What is it! Tell us,” begged Blanche, as she looked at her oldest and then back and forth to Karen and Cal.

At Karen’s urging, the nurse and aide began moving down the hall and she started to follow; though she stopped for a moment and looked back at her mother-in-law.  Perhaps she should explain with Cal.

“Karen – go on,” he assured. “We’ll be right in.”

She nodded and quickened her step to catch up with David.  Cal looked at his parents and took a deep breath. He’d had hours to digest the news but the enormity of it all, and the thought of telling them, made his stomach knot.  He kept hold of his mother’s elbow and guided them just a few feet away, to a small alcove in the corridor.  He looked down for just a moment and then lifted his head as he began.

“Mom. Dad.”  His eyes never left their gaze.  “It’s bad, Mom.  It’s very bad.”  He took his mother’s hands and guided her down to a small sofa tucked in the alcove.  “David already knows, and so you need to be prepared when you go in there.”

Ed’s eyes were already moist; he nodded for their youngest to continue.  And so he did.

~ ~ ~

Cal pulled into the driveway of his home, moved the gear to Park and turned the keys.  The engine went silent at the same time the garage light came on and, in a moment, Jeff was standing at the garage door that led to the kitchen, peering through the bright garage into the darkening evening.  Lynne appeared behind him as he started toward the Jeep, reaching his mother as she closed the passenger door.

Blanche had finally convinced her to leave the hospital; exhaustion was clearly setting in and she knew the hardest part of the day was still so come. 

“I don’t know how I’m going to tell him when I get there,” Karen had confessed. “I promised him he could come back tonight – but.”

“Go to him,” Blanche said gently.  “He needs to hear it from you.  You know that.”

She nodded, grateful for the blessing of this couple whose lives had just been rocked to the core but who were putting their grief aside to help her through.  

Ed had been standing near the window watching the sun dip into the horizon and came closer, putting his arm around her shoulder.  His eyes were bloodshot. “Blanche is right.  We’ll be here.”

Cal had just come back to the room from talking with Catherine in the corridor.  She and Tim had driven Karen’s car to her home earlier and she had just delivered the keys, along with Karen’s briefcase.  He set the bag down on a chair. “Karen – they’re right.  I talked with Lynne a few minutes ago; Jeff’s getting pretty restless.  I’ll take you home after you talk with him.”

She looked down at David, he looked peaceful in the fading light of the evening.  Am I ready for this? The room was quiet except for the monitor flashing above his head, chirping out the steady rhythm of his strong heartbeat.  She bent down and kissed his forehead gently, so as not to wake him, and answered herself.  You need to be, Karen.  You have no choice.

Now her son stood before her, anxious and clearly frightened.  “Is Dad okay?  Why did you both come back!”

She understood his fear and was quick to reassure him.  “Oh Honey, it’s okay – Grandma and Grandpa are with Dad.  He’s resting and –”

“Can we go back now?”

She looked over at Lynne who had caught up to her nephew.  Cal walked to his wife and they shared a long embrace as he kept his head on her shoulder.   

“Mom!  Can we go back – I wanna see him!”

“Honey,” she reached for his hand.  “Let’s go inside for just a few minutes.  I want to talk to you about your Dad’s operation.”

Jeff studied his mother’s face for a clue as to what she was trying to hide.

“Jeff …let’s go in.” Lynne and Cal began to move toward the house and Karen took a step, but Jeff remained fixed on his spot.  She turned back to him, “Hon – please.”

“He’s gonna die.  Isn’t he.”  His eyes grew huge.

“No!” She went back and scooped him to her. “No honey! He’s not!  He came through the operation very well. I told you when I called, your Dad is very strong, and the doctors did what they needed to do for him.”  A bit of relief spread across the boy’s face and his shoulders relaxed.  “Please – come in and let me explain Dad’s situation and what happened today.”

She extended her hand and, this time, he took it and followed his aunt and uncle, holding on tightly the entire time.

Inside the large family room Joey was sprawled on the couch watching television.  He had a blank look on his face and it was hard to tell if it was from the movie on the screen or if the events of the day had worn him down, too.  Cal’s younger boys, Kevin and Nathan, were asleep on the floor, loosely covered by a few soft blankets that bore the logo and mascot of Michigan State University where both David and Cal had received their bachelor’s degrees in horticulture and natural science.  Double doors that led to a large patio and the backyard beyond were open, and every few moments the soft beacon lights of fireflys in the yard illuminated the warm summer night.   

Karen eyed a few empty pizza boxes on the breakfast bar that separated the family room from the kitchen and was immediately grateful to Lynne for having tried to keep the evening as normal as possible.

Cal stood for a moment glancing down at his youngest, and then over at Lynne.  “You take Natie.  I’ll get Kevin.”  He squatted and slipped his hands under the boy’s back, positioning his feet firmly on the ground, and then gently lifted him.

Joey had sat up by then and as Cal passed his oldest he nodded toward the television.  “Joseph, turn off the T.V. please. Aunt Karen needs to talk with Jeff.”

Lynne had gathered Nathan to her and curled him over her shoulder.  As she began to leave the room she stopped next to Karen.  “I just made a pot of coffee.  Dad called when you left the hospital.” 

“Thanks – maybe in a minute.”

Lynne looked at Jeff and then back to her oldest.  “Joey,” she said gently.  “Hon come up with me for a few minutes.  Let’s give Aunt Karen and Jeff some time alone.”  The boy complied without hesitation and wanted to give his cousin a look of encouragement before he left the room; but Jeff’s thoughts were elsewhere and he had taken a step from his mother and sat down on the couch, slowly tracing the cording of the armrest in a slow back and forth motion.

With just her son in the room, Karen sat down next to him.  “Looks like you guys went through the pizza tonight,” she smiled.

“Mom – are we going back to see Dad tonight, or not?”

She took in a deep breath knowing they were both about to enter the deepest and darkest part of the day. “Hon, we just can’t go back tonight.  It’s too late — Dad got very tired and is sleeping now.”

“You promised!”

“I know. I know I did.”  She was exhausted and beginning to feel every bit of it now that she was away from the hospital, but she was determined to stay charged for him.  “And when I told you we would go back, I had every intention of keeping that promise.  But Dad’s just – he’s just very groggy after the doctor gave him something to calm him.”  Shit.  She winced at her own contradiction.

“Why did he need to be calmed down?  You just said he was tired and sleeping.”

She looked at her son for a few moments without answering and tried to organize her thoughts again.  She swallowed and was about to begin, but heard the water running from the sink in the kitchen.  Looking over, she saw Cal washing his hands as he stared out the window.  After a moment he crossed the kitchen to the refrigerator.  The light from the inside made him squint and he reached and pulled a bottle of beer from the bottom shelf.  He twisted off the cap, tossed it on the counter and then filled a tall glass with water and walked toward Karen.  She thanked him and took a long sip.         

“I can give you two some time.  Or I can stay.”

She didn’t hesitate. “Stay.” And then she added, “Please.” 

He saw Jeff’s shoulders relax a bit and took a seat opposite them both.

She cleared her throat and turned back to her son.  “Sweetheart, I need to explain to you what the doctors did for Dad today.”

“Okay.” He was sitting on the edge of the couch.

“Dad’s back was hurt very badly when he fell.”

“Did he break it?”

“Yes, in a way.” She wiped her eye and sighed.  She really didn’t know how much he knew of anatomy and physiology and wanted to ensure she could be thorough for him, while still delivering the news gently.  She would realize later there was no such way to do that.

“There’s a bone – actually several bones – that go down a person’s back.  And those bones surround the spinal cord which goes up and down the back, too.”  She paused.  “The spine carries nerve messages from a person’s brain to different parts of their body.  It’s what allows the body to feel.”

“I know all this.”

“Okay,” she nodded, and knew then the moment she had dreaded the last twelve hours had arrived, and her heart ached. “Jeff – Dad’s spine was very badly hurt when he fell.” 

The boy’s eyes narrowed to slits.

“When he fell, the bones around the spine – some broke and cut so deeply into it, that from where it was cut, and below that point, no nerve messages can get through.  Now Dad’s legs can’t move because the spinal cord is too damaged.”

The room was completely still while Karen waited for the reaction.

“So – how long will it take for the cut to heal?”

Oh Christ!  She took in a deep breath and heard Cal exhale across the room.  She leaned closer still to her son and put her hand on his knee.  “Honey, the spine can’t heal, once it’s been damaged as badly as Dad’s has.”

He frowned.

“The doctors operated to help hold Dad’s spine in place, so no more damage will happen.  But the cut into his spine – it can’t heal.”

He started blinking quickly and was biting his lip.  Karen drew in the longest breath of the entire day and then exhaled.

“Jeff – Dad isn’t going to be able to walk anymore.  He can’t move anything on his body below where his spine was cut.” She stopped and for several moments, it seemed, he glared at her.  “Honey, do you understand – what I’ve said?”

The boy blinked again and then, in one move, seemed to levitate off the couch.  His silence ended like a clap of thunder.

“Noooo!”  A deep wail came out, and then another.  “No!”  His eyes were wild.  “I don’t want – I don’t want my Dad to be a FREAK!”

“Jeff!” her eyes nearly exploded from her face.  “He is NOT a – don’t EVER …don’t you ever say such a thing!”

Cal shot up.  “Karen – take it easy.”

“No!” the boy shouted.  Tears were streaming down his face.  “I wanted to help him.  He couldn’t reach me!  I wanted …on the ledge! …he said it was too slippery, or I coulda’ caught him!”  His sobs were preventing the words from coming out clearly.

Karen’s mind was reeling but she forced herself to find the strength to move closer to him.  “Jeff – Honey – please calm down.”

“But I could have helped him!”

“No. No, Jeff.”  She was shaking her head as she tried to get him to focus on her.  “Listen to me. Whatever happened today isn’t because of something you did or didn’t do.  You need to understand that.”

“It’s her fault!” he snapped, glaring at his mother.  It’s all her fault.”  His entire body was shaking.  “She’s a bitch!  She made him go down there because she’s so stupid – she couldn’t even tell what kind of fucking trees she bought!”

“Jeffrey! Stop!”

“I hope she falls – I hope she falls and keeps going ‘til she get to hell!”

“Jeffrey David – Stop!”  She was trembling then, too and Jeff had made his way loose from her grip.

“Dad knew they were right even before we got there!  And she still made him go down!”

Cal was working his mind quickly to help them both.  Because Jeff was more than his nephew.  In the pecking order of Durling men, Jeff came after Cal.  And Cal was the boy’s Godfather, a role he’d always cherished.  And Jeff was Cal’s oldest son’s best friend.  And he loved the boy for every one of the roles he played in his life, and the lives of the rest of the family.  But above all, Caleb Durling idolized his big brother.  For as long as he could remember, David had always been a brother of unfailing loyalty.  From childhood on, he had taken care to make sure his younger brother was always included, treated fairly and helped whenever and however needed.  David might carry the title of president of Durling and Sons, but from it he took only the added responsibility, and shared equally all the rewards.  This was truly the first time in their lives that the tables had been turned, and Cal was not going to let him down.

“Sweetheart, Dad is alive. And he's strong.”  Karen was desperate to reassure him. 

Jeff had inched his way backward to the fireplace.  He was still shaking and his eyes were still wet, but he was quiet.  

Cal took a step closer to him. “Hey, buddy.  C’mon,” his voice was full of love. “Your Mom needs you.  She’s scared, too; we’re all scared.  But blaming something, or someone, won’t change anything now.”

“Jeff — we're going to be alright, but we need to help each other!  Uncle Cal is right.  I need you!”  Her eyes were sprouting new tears, and she wondered if she would ever use up the supply. 

The boy looked from his uncle to his mother, his heart breaking further as he watched her tears fall.  He tried to picture his dad.  What must he look like now?  Was his body twisted?  Could he talk?  Could he move his hands?  Or his head? No one said it, but he knew his father would be in a wheelchair.  Would he move it himself, or would there be one of those buttons to push to make it move around?  Why?  Why them?  He had never taken his father for  granted, and he already missed what he thought would always be there.  He gazed at the space between his mother and uncle.  Karen stood still.  Cal took another step closer.

"Jeff — please."   He held out his hand and motioned his fingers back to himself, like a tamer convincing a lion the ring was safe.  “There's nothing you could have done this morning.  But there’s plenty you can do now.  Help your mom.  C’mon, Sport. We’re all going to do this together — for your dad.”

Jeff sniffed  and  swallowed.  Finally, though very slowly, he took a step toward his uncle.  And then another.  Cal let out a breath of relief.  The boy kept inching toward his uncle's outstretched arm.  But then, instead of reaching for it, when it was in his grasp, he crossed the few more steps between his uncle and mother, and arriving there breathless, tumbled into her waiting embrace.  She could have swallowed him whole.  She wrapped her arms around him tightly and kissed his head.

“Oh Jeff –” she whispered.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry. But I promise, we’ll be okay; we can make it okay for Dad – all of us.  We just need to stay together.”  The boy nodded into his mother's shoulders.  They remained there for several moments, until finally he pulled back just a bit and looked into her face.  He sniffed and rubbed his cheeks.

“Can – can he talk anymore?”

Karen furrowed her brows and then her look softened and her voice was tender. “Oh, Honey – yes!  Yes, Dad can talk.” 

“Will he know me?”

Good grief – had she done so poorly explaining to him?

“Yes Jeff!  Dad is still – he can't walk.  But he’s still Dad!  It’s mostly his legs, sweetheart. Not his mind.”  Her eyes scanned his face with reassurance. “Dad’s mind is fine.”

The boy nodded and sniffed again and wiped his cheek. He said nothing, but Karen took the silence as a good sign. Jeff had meant no harm to his mother.  It wasn’t her he was angry with.  And he was sorry he had scared her.  But he wasn’t sorry for what he had said about Dee Mercer.  When bad things happened someone had to take the blame.  And there was no question in his mind that the blame for the last thirteen hours, and the rest of his father’s life, should be dumped onto Mrs. Mercer’s doorstep.  And he intended to leave it there until she could prove she deserved otherwise.

Karen pulled her son close again and stroked his hair as she looked up at her brother-in-law.   Her voice was quiet when she asked, “Cal – can you take us home?”

~ ~ ~

Karen sat in the window seat of their bedroom, gazing out into the night.  She had sat with Jeff for almost an hour after Cal left.  It was almost one a.m.  She had called the hospital a few minutes earlier and the nurse told her David was resting quietly; her in-laws had just left. 

Slowly her eyes began to adjust to the void, just beyond the window, and she scanned the dark shadows in the yard below.  She could make out the path that led from the rose arbor to the top of the hill that gently sloped down to the river. And then she saw the shadow of the maple.  She stared at it and, as her gaze remained fixed on the distorted image, she remembered the large branch that had been torn away during last night's storm.  And at the memory, the weight of the day finally began to tear away at her, too.

First came the silent tears.  And as she drew in a breath, her crying became heavier but she tried to stifle it so that Jeff would not awaken.  Her shoulders shook as she put her head down on her knees; her eyes were puddles and her lips trembled.  She let them fall freely as she tried to reconcile how the day had unfolded and turned upon them. She thought of last night’s storm and lifted her head, again gazing out the window. It was a much clearer night than last and several stars were bright in the sky. 

She thought of the morning; their embrace on the terrace.  You underestimate your abilities.

A chill crept up her spine; she repositioned her head so that she was looking into the room.  She pressed her lips, eyes fixed on his nightstand. Such simple things.  What would replace those things? How many containers of medicine would be heaped on top of that stand to get him through a day? Medicine for pain.  For swelling.  For relaxing.  For things she could not yet imagine. But she could imagine the containers, lined up in a row.  Her mind began to swim and swell at the memory from twenty years earlier.  Eerily similar.  She blinked a few times and the memory came back in full view.

She was in the chair next to the bed watching her mother as she slept.  The woman’s once radiant face looked tired and pale, even against the white sheets. 

A loud clap of thunder ripped through the quiet; lightning flashed brightly across the room, and then again, waking the woman.  She offered a tired smile to her daughter and then, gently, patted a spot at her side. Karen moved to the spot and took her hand. 

“Just sit here next to me.  You’re okay.” She closed her eyes and swallowed.

Karen blinked, trying to keep the tears from coming.  In the last few days her mother’s energy had left her and she’d taken a turn quickly.  Now, she knew the end was so close; and for having known it was coming, she still felt wholly unprepared.

As the storm tossed the world outside her mother opened her eyes again and looked toward the window. “Your Dad needs to take it slowly in this storm.”

“He’ll be home soon, Mom. He’ll be okay.”

The woman’s blue eyes, so bright for so long, had begun to dim.  She smiled weakly to her daughter and Karen gave a tender smile in return, folding her long, blonde hair behind her ear.

“You've  always done that – to your hair. Tucking it…the way you did just now behind your ear.”  She rubbed her tongue over her lips to moisten them. “Even when you were small, and had those silly pixie cuts. You’d fold just a short lock behind your ear.”

“Always a habit, I guess,” the young girl smiled back.

“You told me once you were listening to your Guardian Angel."  She swallowed and winced, and then closed her eyes, trying again to moisten her lips.  Karen reached for the cool cloth on the nightstand, moving one of several containers of medicine to reach it, and dabbed it around her mother's mouth.

“That's nice," her eyes opened slowly. “ – good.”

"Mom, you should rest. Dad will be here soon, and –“

She lifted her hand for her daughter to stop.  “Don't ever stop listening. Promise me.”

The girl nodded and smiled through her watery eyes, “I promise – I won't.” A gust of wind rattled the window panes and her shoulders flinched.

"Karen – don't be frightened. You’ll be fine.” 

The young woman nodded and brushed her cheek with her free hand.  And then her mother’s face took on a calm and peaceful expression. 

“You're so beautiful." She smiled and swallowed. “You have so much ahead of you. But — don't rush anything. There's a whole world out there. You find the world you want to live in. I found mine.” She rubbed her lips together and Karen took in a breath, ruffled by her own tears.

“And when you find someone special, make sure he loves — and needs — you for who you are. Everyone wants someone. But,” she paused, “wants and needs – they're different. Don't confuse them.”  

Karen nodded and tightened her hold on her mother’s hand. 

“Get my rosary – please.”

Karen reached to the table again and lifted the delicate mother of pearl rosary.  She placed it in the woman's hand and folded her fingers over it.  Her mother shook her head just slightly.  “You keep it.” The young girl took it as her mother asked and stared at it draped over her fingers. “Don't ever doubt what prayer can do, Karen.”

The girl's breath ruffled. “Then why are you dying? I don't want to lose you!”

"Oh my girl,” she smiled softly. “Don't question why.  Prayer and our own strength get us through troubles, not around them. We don't choose the road.”

Then the woman’s eyes slowly moved to a spot across the room, and a look of recognition passed across her face, as if someone was there. Karen looked over in the same direction, but there was nothing, or no one, there. She looked back at her mother whose eyes were clearer than they had been just moments ago.

The woman drew in a breath. “When you're scared, and you don't know what to do, remember how strong you are. How strong you’ve always been.”

Karen nodded, her tears falling freely as she held onto her mother’s hand and the storm continued its assault outside.

“Don't give up on your dreams.” she smiled weakly. “Write that story someday. You've always been good at whatever you set your mind to. But, take your time…take time for everything.” 

Then she extended both hands to her daughter as Karen held tightly. “Remember – keep listening. I'll listen, too. And however I can – I'll help.”

She closed her eyes then and sighed.  The girl stared at her, looking for movement in her chest. It was there, but barely. The storm continued to clap thunder and pelt the heavy rain against the window, and the lightning flashed blue and white streaks throughout the room, distorting the objects around her.  The next clap of thunder made a deafening sound and she startled, then looked back at her mother.  Her breathing was barely perceptible.  A streak of lightning jolted her to grip her mother's hand tighter.  But there was no response back.  And as she stared, she knew.

Then, very faintly, she heard his voice that grew louder as it came closer. "Karen! I'm here…I'm home!" The door to the bedroom flew open and her father froze for a moment, taking in the scene.  He came quickly to the bed, kneeling by the side and reached for his wife.

“Dad – she –”

"Oh Karen.” His voice was so kind; so gentle. “Honey – Oh Lord, I tried to get here – as fast as I could."  His eyes were pools and he turned to his wife who lay lifeless and, after too long, finally at peace. He lifted his hand and stroked the woman's forehead.   

“Oh …my love.”  He shut his eyes tightly and in a moment his shoulders began to shake with the storm.  And, finally, the tears he had shielded from his dying wife for so long were set free.  And as he bent to her, Karen placed her arm around her father’s shoulder as he whispered over and over, “Oh my Grace.  My sweet, sweet Grace."

Karen blinked and let the memory fade. She lifted her head, folded her hair behind her ears and wiped the tears from her face.  She sat still for a long time.  Eerily familiar, yet completely different; she still had her husband, and their son still had both parents.

She took in a deep breath and began to turn the rings around her left ring finger with her thumb.  Her mother's diamond and the plain, gold band from David.   

She rubbed her eyes again and smiled softly at the beautiful set.  And as she examined the band, admiring its simplicity, she knew then beyond a doubt that she would find the strength to help David through whatever was ahead.  Because when all was said, and done, he was both everything she had ever wanted and all she would ever need.

FIVE

Karen rolled over and blinked the last bit of sleep from her eyes.  For a moment she felt a sense of calm that surrounds a person before they've reached full consciousness.  But in the next moment, when all dreams had left her, she was clear in her memory of the previous day, and the feeling of calm gave way to total sadness.

She lay on her back, looking up at the ceiling until the ringing of the phone startled her.  She grabbed for the receiver before the second ring.

“It's Blanche, honey.  Did I wake you?”

She blinked again and sat up, rubbing her face as she glanced at the clock: five-forty-five.

“No, I woke up a few minutes ago.”  Her voice was dry from the few hours of sleep and the evening’s crying.   “I was just about to call the hospital.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

She looked around the room and couldn't recall when she had finally fallen asleep or, for that matter, when she had made it into the bed.  The last thing she remembered was sitting at the window.  She remembered two o'clock, and vaguely remembered three. “A bit – a couple hours maybe.”

“Well, we’ll make sure you get a chance to rest later.  You need to keep up your own strength. But –I wanted to let you know we talked with David last night. He was awake for just a little while. He was still a bit hazy but much more alert than when we first arrived, and Ed was able to talk for a few minutes and – ”

“What did he say! Was he upset I wasn't there?"

“Absolutely not; we told him you were with Jeff. He was relieved.” She paused for a moment. "How did Jeff handle it – Cal was with you wasn’t he?”

Karen hung her head at the memory of the boy’s tirade. “He was, thank God.  Oh Blanche, he didn't do well at all. He blamed himself first, then all but said Dee Mercer pushed him off the ledge, and he’s convinced David won't even recognize him this morning."

"Oh no…I'm so sorry. He didn’t mean it.  You know that.”

Karen didn’t know that, or believe it.

“Did he sleep?"

She glanced out of the bedroom door into the hallway. “Finally.  He fell asleep a little after midnight.  He’s still sleeping.”

“Let him, don't wake him.”

“I know, but I want to get to the hospital by seven and...”

“Ed and I will come over and bring him in later.”

Karen closed her eyes and felt both relief and anxiety at the offer.  “I don't know, Blanche.   He was so angry with me last night when I told him he couldn't go back. I promised him I would take him first thing, and I can't keep breaking my –”

“Karen,” she interrupted. “You need to see David first.”

She was waiting for the end of the sentence and then realized that was all. “What – what is it?”

The woman took in a long breath. “He's so…I don't know. This sounds awful because I’m his mother and this whole thing isn’t even a day old.  But he was so upset about Jeff when Ed was talking to him.  He thinks that he’ll be angry with him and he’s afraid to see him.  I think he’s more afraid that Jeff doesn't want to see him.”

“That's insane! I told that boy three separate times yesterday that I’d bring him back to the hospital and it never happened.  And if I didn’t have Cal with me last night he probably would have taken off on foot to get to him. I cannot keep him away; he's terrified!  David has got to understand that."

"Honey, calm down. I know he needs to see him.  I'm not suggesting he doesn't.  But you need to talk with him first, because I’m afraid how he’ll react if you both go in together first thing.”

She rubbed her forehead and looked up again, and her eyes rested on the photo on her nightstand of Jeff and David.  “Okay, but I’m going to wake him before I leave.  He is not going to wake up to find that I’ve already gone.  I don’t think he’d forgive me for that, and I wouldn’t blame him.”

 ~ ~ ~

Cal Durling never went to sleep on Friday night or Saturday morning.   His mind had turned into an all-night picture show, and it was featuring reruns of the classic: The Adventures of the Durling Boys.  He sat up alone, after Lynne had fallen asleep with her head on his lap. They were in bed and he leaned against the headboard as he stared ahead, as if the picture screen was in front of him, rather than in his mind. The movies were bittersweet. Everything looked different – the color just a bit off.

He remembered Christmas from thirty-years ago and just a few years ago; when David and he had been kids, and when their children first discovered the wonder of the season.  He saw David and himself hiking up at the farm as boys, and later walking with their own sons down the same paths. He remembered David letting him drive the car at age thirteen, when their parents had not known.  He saw them both as boys listening to their father as he explained something about a tree or flower, and how to care for it.  He heard his mother explain how she expected her sons to treat young ladies. And he smiled to himself remembering the year that David and he had attended Michigan State at the same time and wondered how, with all the parties they had gone to, they ever passed a test, let alone a class.  Then he smiled broader still when he remembered David toasting Cal, on the occasion of David’s graduation: "Here's to the next generation of Durling and Sons.  Don't fuck-up little brother, it won't be nearly as fun until you're there."

He smiled at the memory of the night David first met Karen.  She was Cal's blind date, and he was taking her to a movie, and maybe out afterward, depending on how the first half went.  Before the couple left for the evening David had walked into the living room of the small house the two brothers were renting and saw Karen sitting on the couch waiting for his brother. And it was the first, and only, time in David's life he was jealous of anything his brother had because, up until then, they were always willing to share.  But he wouldn't dare show his jealousy.  He’d just hope his brother had a lousy time on the date.  When he saw Cal the next morning the first thing he asked was, “What time did you get in last night?   I didn't hear you?”

“Gee, Mom.  I don't remember.”

“What's her name?” David grinned.

“Who?” he tried to look puzzled.

“The woman you just spent the night with!”

Cal tossed his head back and laughed and hooted at the ceiling.  “Oh – Davie! What green eyes you have! Her name is Karen Franklin, and I didn’t spend the night with her.  I dropped her off after the movie and went over to mom and dad’s to finish watching the game.  Why, you jealous?”

“Not if you dropped her off after the movie. There's nothing to be jealous of.  You’re not interested?”

Cal raised his eyes. “She’s very nice - but she’s not my type.”

“I know. She’s my type. And I'll probably end up marrying her.”

He stared stunned as David smiled back, and he knew then that his brother was serious.  He was. David and Karen were married eighteen months later.

He blinked while the next reel was put on the projector and looked down at Lynne as she lay peaceful beside him. He touched her hair lightly with his fingers and bent down and kissed her as the next movie threaded into focus.

Cal, the best man, held up a glass of champagne. “To David and Karen – all the best. From the world’s luckiest brother to the world’s luckiest bridegroom.  Karen, I love you like a sister.  And that’s a good thing for David because if our first - and last - date had gone differently, it would be David giving this toast to us.  You tell me if he ever falls outta’ line, because I saw you first.  And that gives me the right to keep an eye out for you!”  He winked and added. “I love you both. Have a wonderful life.”

The guests had laughed and clapped, the bride and groom kissed. And by the end of the reception Cal had met Lynne, the date of one of David’s college roommates who had come to see his old friend off on the road to marriage.  Cal was sitting with the out-of-town couple at one point and the talk had turned, as usual, to the upcoming college football season.  And to Cal’s sheer surprise and awe, the old roommate’s date knew more about the Big Ten teams than he did.  And after one dance with the doe-eyed, sport’s-minded brunette with the longest legs he’d ever seen, Cal knew that both Durling men had bid farewell to bachelorhood on the same day.  One had just done it more publicly than the other.  Cal and Lynne were married less than two years later. The brothers kept the business moving forward when their father decided it was time to step back.  Life was good.

He looked down at Lynne again.  She had fallen asleep just an hour ago.  She had wanted to stay awake with him; had said he could talk if he wanted or be silent.  She was ready to help, in whatever way she could.  They had finished four beers between them; the score was Cal three, Lynne one.  It had made her sleepy, though she had fought the sleep valiantly.  They did nothing for Cal. In the quiet and stillness of the room he glanced down at his own body. He looked at his feet and tried to suppress the thoughts that began seeping out of the corners of his mind.

David can’t move his legs anymore. He can’t move his feet. He thought of hiking at the farm and surveying a lawn, after one of the crews had finished a job.

He’ll move in a chair and piss in a bag.  He saw David dancing with Karen at their wedding. And he pictured David and himself laughing as they had tried to diaper Jeff when he was just two days old.

He’ll regret they didn’t have a second child.  He saw David gently carrying Karen from the car the day they brought Jeff home from the hospital.  Cal had driven with David and had carried Jeff through the threshold into his perfect world.  And then he saw his Godson crying, just hours before in his family room, one floor below him, screaming for someone to take the blame for taking so much of his dad away from him.  And finally, he saw that after almost twenty-four hours of holding his own emotions in check for his brother, his brother’s wife, his nephew, and his parents, he could finally let the emotions begin to leave his body, unchecked.  

He slid down close to Lynne and buried his face in her shoulder.  The movement woke her, and she blinked a few times as she felt her husband’s tears on her skin.  She lay silent for a few moments.  And then, without saying a word, lifted his face from her shoulder and began kissing him.  Gently.  He took her closer then pushed himself up with one hand, and moved one leg over her body so that he was above her and she was entirely and safely within his embrace.  

He gently lifted her with him and their backs began to arch, like mirrored figures. He lowered her, and then himself.  She was ready and he could feel the sweeping current of her body welcoming him.  He entered slowly and climbed higher within her, and as her legs reached for the sky she took him higher still – to their private garden. And when he arrived there, he began to cry out for all the losses, while at the same time thanking God for all the blessings he still had – and could feel.  She knew how frightened he was, so afterward, she pulled him close and took him within her again.  When he arrived back in Eden she let him roam freely there for as long as he needed.  

~ ~ ~ 

Karen slid the glass door of the ICU room aside and peeked in.  Her heart fluttered; her stomach tumbled.  She forced a smile and stepped inside.

“Hey — Good morning.“ Her voice was as gentle as a soft breeze.

David turned his face toward her and saw the most beautiful and assured expression he could have wished for.  “Hey to you,” he forced a smile back, but his throat felt tight and his voice sounded tired.

She took the few steps to the side of his bed and bent down as he started to lift his face to hers.  Their kiss was long, quiet and sincere.  She closed her eyes and put her forehead to his.

“Is this the point where you wake me up — and tell me it was a nightmare?” he whispered.

She shook her head as she whispered back. “I'd give anything.”

He sighed and put his hand up to hers, resting on his shoulder. They looked at each other for several moments until she asked, “Did you get any rest last night?”

“It’s hard to tell.” His eyes moved around, scanning her face.  “Some, maybe.  But they kept coming in and turning me over like a piece of meat.”

“They need to make sure –”

“I know.  I've heard all about it.”

She nodded again and looked down.  Instinctively, she smoothed the sheet that was bunched up around his waist.  He glanced down and they both caught themselves and looked at each other again. Then they both started to speak, but she stopped to let him continue.

“Kare – I don’t know how, or where, we go from here.” His eyes continued to move around her face as he held her hand.  He looked lost.

“We move forward,” she replied softly. “One step – one day at a time.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

“I'm not sure we have a choice,” she countered gently. “That's all we can do.”  She folded a lock of hair behind her ear.  “You're not alone.  I'm right here.  I'll always be right here.  And Jeff –”

A painful expression passed over his face and he looked away from her toward the window.  The sun was already bright, and its brilliance reflected off the metal shades between the two panes, making its intensity almost blinding.

“How was he – when you told him?”  he asked, still looking away.

A chill went through her and she took a deep breath and looked down. His hand was so large in hers.  It was the hand that had always steadied her in the more frightening moments of their life together over the last fifteen years.  Now it was her turn.  She rubbed her thumb across its back and looked up.  But she didn't answer.  She didn't know how.

He turned his head toward her, waiting for the response. “What happened?”

She measured her words carefully.  “It was hard for him. It's been hard for everyone to hear. But he was a little better this morning. And …when he sees you he can be reassured and understand that it isn’t as bad as he’s imagined.”

“Well, I can't imagine much worse!” he frowned.

“He can. And he has.”

He shook his head and turned from her again. “How do I look at him, Kare? What do I say?"  His eyes began to well and he rubbed the wetness away.  “I can’t have him see me this way.” 

She ignored his last comment.  “How do you want him to look at you?  Look him in the eyes.  Hold his hand.  Reassure him.”  She paused.  “Let him see you recognize him.  That’s what he’s most afraid of, more than anything.”

“Oh God,” he closed his eyes.

“Your mom and dad are bringing him in, in about an hour.  I can't hold him off. I don't want to. It isn't fair.”

He was still looking away. “I know – I know that, but I just can’t...” his voice trailed off.

“David.  Look at me.” He turned to her then. “I don't know why any of this had to happen.  To you. To our family. But we need to promise each other that we won’t let it bury us; either one of us.  For a million reasons, but none more important than Jeff."  He swallowed hard as she continued.  “You’re alive. And believe me, that’s everything to us.”   

His eyes started to well again and tears rolled silently down his cheeks; she wiped them gently with her fingertip.

“Whatever the future holds, you’re with us. And because of that we can all go on. We need you. I need you. I know you’re scared. But I’ll be with you at every turn and guide us every inch of the way.  Just promise me, you’re willing to come along.”

He held onto her hand as he listened.  What man in his right mind wouldn’t take her up on such an offer?   She had always been the most beautiful woman he had ever known. Inside and out. She was everything he had ever needed to make his life complete.  And at that moment her own beauty and selflessness had been transformed into something rare and spectacular.  So full of hope and determination she was.  How could he not promise to follow if she was willing to lead them both – all three of them – out of this hard land they had stumbled on?

Because.  To make such an absolute promise would, in his mind, require him to be absolutely sure of himself.  And that had been taken away from him.   The self that he had known so well had disappeared.  Half of it was physically gone, and he was wholly uncertain that what remained could possibly be enough to sustain himself, let alone his wife or child.  He wanted her optimism.  He didn’t want her to lead. He wanted to be side-by-side with her, as they had always been. He wanted yesterday back so he could be as strong for her as she was for him.  She saw his mind was elsewhere as he held her hand, turning the wedding band around her finger.

“David?”

He looked up into her eyes then and, after a few moments, quietly offered, “I'll try. I promise you, Karen.  I'll try.”

SIX

“Good morning.” Dr. Morgan cleared his throat to announce his presence and Karen quickly stood up.  As she did, she mentally prepared herself for the first conversation the three would have and worked quickly to arrange the thoughts she had been gathering.

The doctor smiled and took a few steps to the side of the bed.  “David. Karen,” he nodded.   “How are you this morning?”

She swallowed. “Doing okay, thank you.”

He looked at his patient.  “David, how are you doing?”

“I’ve had better mornings. Though the nurses seem thrilled every time they take my blood pressure.”

He forced a laugh that sounded genuine.  “It gets pretty boring watching the world go by from that view.” They were both taken aback and about to take offense but he was quick to continue.  “That's why we're going to get you up and out of that bed in the next day or so.”

Immediately their emotion turned to gratitude. “How much longer will he be here – in the unit?”

Morgan shrugged.  “All else being equal, by tomorrow night, or Monday at the latest, we’ll have you moved down to orthopedics.  You’ll be there for the better part of the week, and then we need to move you into the rehab process. The sooner we can begin that the better.  I’ll be taking a look in just a minute, but I’m confident we’ll be able to start on Monday. We’ll get you fitted for an orthosis jacket by tonight.” David frowned not understanding. “It’s a corset-type vest made from a very sturdy plastic.  It’ll allow you to be in an upright position, in bed and in a chair, while keeping the spine immobilized to heal properly.”

“Okay,” he said quietly.

Morgan shoved his hands into the slits of his lab coat and relaxed his shoulders a bit. “You have a lot to learn and relearn.  This is all very sudden.  I realize you’re still trying to sort through the initial shock.  That’s going to take time. And we can give you that time on one track.  But you need to be on another track parallel to that.  Rehab will be crucial. You’ll learn the basics — the basics of daily living so you can begin to move forward; dressing yourself, tending to your toilet, becoming mobile in your home, getting back to work.”  He lifted his hands from the coat and crossed his arms over his chest.   He was a tall man, and he looked quite authoritative in the new stance. “You’ll be able to do much more than you realize, sooner than you ever would imagine."

“Okay.” I’ve imagined walking into my wife’s arms all night.

Karen looked up at Morgan who offered a small smile of encouragement, before looking back at his patient.  “It probably sounds as if I’ve reduced the most devastating circumstances into something trivial. Trust me, I haven’t. This is a tremendous loss for you and your whole family.  And for you as a couple. But you still have a great deal of function, David.  I see no reason you won’t be able to be very independent in most things. I’m confident you’ll do well in therapy and adapt to the limitations you now have.”  He paused a moment.  “You’ll have a thousand questions. Any time we can help you sort through those questions for the answer, ask. That’s critical.  I’ve been very honest with you, and I’ll need the same back about how you feel you’re progressing."

“I’m not feeling much right now.” He hadn’t meant it as sarcastic as it sounded, that wasn't his style and Morgan understood that.

“I appreciate that. We’ll work with you. In addition to physical and occupational therapy, you’ll also be able to talk to professionals about your emotions, the fears and questions you have.”  He paused and his tone softened just a bit.  “I’m sorry this had to happen to you.  There really are no platitudes I can come up with twenty-four hours after something like this beyond offering the assurance that you’ll soon be moving forward in ways that, today, seem out of reach.”

“Thank you,” his voice was quieter but he appreciated the physician’s honesty.

“How long do you expect him to be in rehab?”  asked Karen.

He shrugged. “Six to eight weeks.” He looked back down at David. “You could cut a week or so off that, if you progress well. You’ll transition from inpatient to outpatient based on progress.”

“Where will he go?”

Morgan looked surprised. The hospital had its own rehabilitation facility that was well regarded as providing good services on an outpatient and inpatient basis.  And with Karen knowing so many of the doctors and staff there he would have thought she’d take comfort in that.  He looked down at David.  “I was planning you would go right through the hospital’s program.  It’s very good.”

“Is it the best around here?” she asked.

David looked over to her. It’s okay, Karen. What difference will it make in the end?

Morgan raised his eyes in thought. “I think it’s very good, yes.  They do a nice job.”

She shook her head and took in a deep breath.  “We don’t want good.  We need the best. And we don’t want nice; but incomparable.”

She looked at Morgan, mentally calling up the personal profile.  He had a wife and three grown daughters.  His youngest, Elizabeth, was his star and had recently been accepted to medical school at the University of Michigan.  “Where would you send Beth?”

He was clearly startled, but didn't hesitate with the answer. “Clear River.”

“Okay – then that’s where we’ll go.”

He nodded and gave her a smile.  “That’s a fairly tough place to get into. We’ll need to do some checking.”

She folded her hair. “Who could help cut through the tape the quickest?”

He glanced at David, and took a bit of offense that she didn’t think that person would be him.  But when he looked back at her he realized she was two for two. “I know a few people out there,” he smiled. “In fact, Henry Pearson heads up the rehab psychiatry division there. You remember Henry.”

“Of course!” Her heart soared. “I’d forgotten that’s where he went.” What a gentle gentleman he was.  She had enjoyed working with the psychiatrist on media stories when he was a member of the hospital’s medical staff and was sad when he had left.  He had been a good resource for her.

David was a bit put off that his wife was so excited about a psychologist in the hinterlands being identified as his salvation.  But Karen immediately felt better and knew then that if Morgan couldn’t pull the strings, she could.

“I’ll look into it for you. I know the CMO also. We’ll work it out.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “We appreciate that.”

With her mission complete, she took a step back from David’s side to let Morgan move closer to his patient. “Okay, David – any other questions?” 

He looked up at Morgan and gave a slight grin, then glanced at his wife.  “I think you’re asking the wrong person.”

They all smiled then and David winked at her.  It made her heart flutter.

Morgan took another step toward the bed and scanned the form of David’s body under the sheet.  “We’re going to need to turn you back to your chest.  I want to check the surgical site.” He turned his head and called out, “Sarah!”  The nurse was at the doorway in an instant.  “Let’s get Mr. Durling re-positioned so I can examine him.”

"Bill?" Karen interrupted.  Morgan looked over.  “Our son hasn’t been in yet. But he’s coming in shortly. I think it would be helpful if he could see his dad on his back first.”

The doctor checked his watch. “What time do you expect him?”

“By eight.”

He thought about it and then nodded and looked back at Sarah.  “Let’s give him till about eight-thirty. I’ll finish the rest of my rounds and come back.”  He looked down at David.  “I don't want you on your back any longer than that."

David nodded, “Thank you. You’ve been very kind.”

Morgan acknowledged him with an understanding smile. “You’re welcome.” He took the stethoscope from around his neck, positioned it in his ears and began the exam. Karen took a few steps back and watched as he carefully pulled back the sheets from David’s chest. Her stomach knotted as she looked at her husband’s half-still body.  She blinked quickly and breathed deeply.  But David didn’t notice.  He couldn’t look at her when everyone else was looking at him.

 ~ ~ ~

“Mrs. Durling?”  The nurse poked her head around the glass door and grinned.  “Excuse me, I have number one son out here who’s waiting to see his number one Dad!”

Karen looked up from David who had begun to doze again, but he awoke when he heard the nurse. He would have jerked his legs, if he could.  Instead, he grabbed Karen’s hand. “Wait!” he begged.

“Honey – it’s okay. He’s waited longer than anyone, and he needs to see you.” 

“I know.  I know.  But…”

The nurse moved into the room, closer to the head of the bed. “Mr. Durling – I know this is hard. Seeing someone for the first time, it’s always scary.  But I can assure you, I saw your son, and he’s very anxious to see you.”

He closed his eyes but held tight to Karen’s hand. When he opened them, they began darting between the two women.  “I can't – I just …can’t have him see me like this!”

“Honey…Please. Don’t.  Don’t do this.”  Her voice was soothing, hiding her own fear.  “You’re making it too hard for yourself.”

His eyes began to blink. “I just — ”

“Okay. It’s alright Mr. Durling.” The nurse squeezed his hand. “Take a deep breath for me. That’s right.  You’re okay,” she smiled.  “Steady. Steady breaths. Good.”

The woman glanced calmly back and forth between David and the monitors. The patterns on the machines seemed to jump irregularly but the nurse hadn’t reacted, so Karen wasn’t going to either.   

She put her hand over her mouth; how would she get through to him? 

“David, he’s our son. You need to help him.  Right now, I’m just as worried about him.” 

He was nodding and his eyes were wet. “I know. I am too! I just — don’t want him to hate me!”

“Hate you! He loves you!” Her eyes were wide. “This was an accident.  It isn’t your fault.”

“But …I shouldn’t have —”

“No! Listen to me. If it had been Jeff – if he were the one laying here now . . .”

“No!”

“What would you tell him?  How would you reassure him? The first thing you would say?”

“I need him!” His eyes were wide. “God, I need him!” Relief flooded through her as his fears tumbled out. “I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to take care of him or be there for him!  Don’t let him get hurt. What if—” his breath ruffled as the tears fell.  “I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Karen.  I just don’t know …how we do this!”

Her voice stayed calm as she answered.  “We start by letting him see you.  Show him that it’s going to be alright. We can still take care of each other and our son. You’re a strong man, and a wonderful father.  That hasn’t changed or been taken away.” Her soft smile was back. “Hey – you’re still my king. And he’s still my prince.  And there is nothing that could ever take our kingdom away from us.  I promise."

He smiled lightly and his breath ruffled again, but he was beginning to steady himself.  He wiped his cheeks and rubbed his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he sniffed.

“Don’t be. This is hard, and there’s a lot we don’t know.  But I do know we’re strong enough to face this – together.”

The nurse cleared her throat.  “Mr. Durling, that prince is going to overthrow the guards if we don't let him in here.”

He smiled just a bit then and nodded slightly as he looked back at Karen. “You go get him.  I want you with him. I know Mom and Dad are there, but I want it to just be you two, the first time.”

She nodded and squeezed his hand. Then, before he could change his mind, she left the room to bring back their son.

David wiped his cheeks with the hand that didn’t have the IV needle sticking in it and began to try and mentally prepare himself to have Jeff see him for the first time in his strange, new world.  He closed his eyes to try and clear the redness that was certainly there.  And when he closed them, he saw himself standing in the hospital corridor eleven years earlier.

“Mr. Durling!” David jumped at the voice and spun around. He had been pacing back and forth in front of the labor and delivery room where he and Karen had been for the last thirteen hours.

“How's my wife?” His voice shook.  “Is she okay!”

The nurse nodded quickly. “She's fine.  She's absolutely fine.”  She smiled encouragingly.  “And you have a son who wants very badly to meet his daddy!”

He couldn’t suppress the grin; it took over his whole face. “Oh, my God! A boy?”  He began wiping the tears from his eyes.  But he knew it was useless. It felt as if he had been thrown on some haunted carnival ride for the last ten minutes that seemed as if it had lasted ten years. Mercifully, someone had finally thrown the switch, and he could step off.  He still felt dizzy.  “Karen’s okay?” He wanted to be sure.

“She’s okay.  She'll be in recovery in just a few minutes, and you can see her there.”

“I can't go in!”

“No, not yet.  She’s fine.  The doctor is just finishing up.”

He looked scared again.

“Mr. Durling, she's ab-so-lute-ly fine.  And you need to come see your baby!  He's screaming for his daddy.”

The nurse led him a few steps and then stood back and held the door for him as he walked quickly through the threshold into the small nursery reserved for emergency deliveries.  Inside, a second nurse turned around as he entered, and it was then he saw the soft blanket covering the squirming, pink form.  The blanket was faded and had patterns of a Teddy bear floating on a crescent moon scattered randomly on the soft flannel.

He swallowed hard and grinned broadly and quickly washed and dried his hands. The nurse holding the infant had crossed the small room to him and smiled as she passed the next generation of the Durling Family into his waiting and steady hands.  The baby blinked and scrunched its tiny mouth and nose.  He was red and wrinkled.  He smelled sweet and new.  He yawned and turned his head toward David’s chest and raised his eyebrows in astonishment at the face beaming down at him.

“Oh my God. Look at him!” The baby made a cooing sound like a wind-up toy, unwinding.

“I think he looks like Daddy,” the nurse smiled. “Look at those eyes!”

The baby’s eyes were as green as his father’s.

David beamed and looked up sheepishly. "Is he – is he okay?"

“He’s more than okay.  He just got a nine out of a possible ten on his first test!”

“Why?" He looked back up from his amazed gaze, “What was wrong?”

“Nothing was wrong.” she laughed. “Nine is the best we give around here.”

David smiled down at the infant. “You’re a ten, Kiddo. You’re perfect.”

He knew all about the APGAR scores given in an infant's first minutes of life.  Various attributes such as the baby's color, breathing and reflex, among others, were assessed numerical values. He knew about the scores, because Karen knew all about them.  And she had prepared him for everything - except everything that had happened.  He stared back at the infant who had started making chirping noises. The baby squirmed and cooed. David moved his thumb to the infant’s tiny face, and he immediately tried to begin sucking.  

The nurse handed him a small, squatty glass bottle of formula. “Nothing against your thumb, but he may enjoy this more.  I don’t think Mom will mind.”

He nodded and took the bottle and grinned at the nurse, “Mommy won’t mind, but I’ve never done this before.”

“Well, you look like you're a natural.”

He blushed a bit and then drew the infant close to him and put the bottle in his mouth.  The sucking sound echoed through the room.  The two women smiled as they watched father and son. Then David automatically began swaying his body back and forth in a soft, steady rhythm.

“Hey you. Hey! I’m your Daddy! Yes!” His eyebrows lifted. “Yes I am.”  He nodded. “And you’re my son!  And your Mommy and I love you very much.  Yes we do!”  The baby scrunched his eyes as he kept up the loud sucking.  David carefully bent his head and gave the infant a gentle and quiet kiss on the forehead. “Yeah, you’re okay. I'm a lucky Daddy.  And you’re a lucky little boy. Wait till you meet your Mommy.  We’re the two luckiest boys in the whole world.”

“Does the lucky little boy have a name?”

David looked up and grinned. Karen had always wanted a boy to be named Jeff.  He had wanted Paul. “Jeff.  His name is Jeffrey David,” he smiled.  “Jeffrey David Durling.”

“David.  Honey – Jeff's here.”

He opened his eyes and it felt as if his heart fell backward in his chest.  Karen stood behind the boy in the doorway; he was pressing his lips together and his eyes were wide and bright.

David swallowed down the emotions he knew were skimming close to the surface. Look at him; don’t you dare look away. “Hey — Sport.” He smiled softly then and extended his hand.

And before Karen needed to give him a gentle nudge of encouragement, Jeff took one long step and was burrowed in the safety of his father’s shoulder, as David took him in and wrapped his arms around him.

The couple shared a quick glance and she thought he looked much stronger than when she had left the room.

“It’s okay buddy.  We’re gonna be okay.” He held his son close and rubbed his back.  The IV tube rose up and down with the motion of his hand. “I’m sorry you were so scared, Jeff.”  The boy nodded his head as his eyes scanned the view from his father’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry about all of this, but we’ll be alright.”

“I was scared,” he began, with his head still on his father’s shoulder. Then, after a few more moments, he gently lifted his head and straightened, looking at his dad; his green eyes danced nervously. “Scared you wouldn't know me.”  He sniffed and smiled, as if it had been a preposterous thought.

David widened his eyes and held out his hand; Jeff took hold and felt safe in his dad’s strong grasp. “Not know you! Listen – there's a few things I may not know right now . . .like when they’ll let me out of this place. But I’d know you anywhere. You’re my Sport.”  His smile was reassuring as he scanned his boy’s face.  “And we have an exclusive, lifetime contract.  Remember?”

The boy smiled and nodded and sniffed again.

“No out clauses.”

Then his shoulders relaxed.  And, after a moment, he lowered himself to the chair that Karen had been sitting in, never once letting go of his father’s hand. 

SEVEN

The morning continued at an odd pace; some minutes dragged, others sped.  Karen and Jeff stayed with David until Morgan returned to examine his patient; he was progressing beautifully.  She’d taken the boy downstairs to the hospital’s cafeteria for something to eat. Blanche had shared that he hadn’t eaten much at home and now, by his own admission, was hungry. 

She studied her son’s face as he ate.  “How you doing?” she asked softy.

“Good.” He took a forkful of scrambled eggs.

She thought he looked just like a younger version of his father; the same green eyes, hair – though a bit thicker – the same shade, and his lips were full and shaped the same, as well.

Thank God we had a boy.  “I’m really proud of you.”

“For what?”

“For being so strong; for Dad and me.  We both appreciate it.”

He smiled a bit shyly and took a large swallow of juice and looked lost in thought for a few moments, and then offered, “Sorry about last night.  I know I shouldn’t have sworn.”

“It’s okay.  I know you were scared.  And I know yesterday was especially rough for you.”  She took a sip of coffee and a small bite of toast.  She was tempted to bring up Dee, and again explain this wasn’t her fault.  But she also didn’t want to set him off.  The morning was going so well.  So, instead she offered, “You can still be scared at times too, you know.  It’s going to be a long summer.  Lots of unknowns.”

“I know.”

“I want you to have a summer, too.  That’s really important.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” she cleared her throat.  “I want you to be with Dad as much as possible.  But I want you to still do the things that you planned for this summer.  Like swimming.  You can’t just let that go.  You worked really hard to be on the team; it’s important.”

He looked down at his cereal. “I know.”

“Dad and I both want you to be able to do the things you planned.  A lot will be different now – and we aren’t going to shut you out or not tell you things. But it’s important that you stay involved with your sports, be with your cousins and friends. We don’t want you to stop any of that.”

He looked up.  His expression was a mix of relief, sadness and doubt. “But I don’t want Dad to be mad or feel like I don’t want to be with him.  I do.”

“Oh sweetheart,” she smiled.  “Dad won’t be mad.  He doesn’t want you to stop, Jeff.  That isn’t you.  And you will be with him – a lot, I promise.”  She swallowed. “This is the scariest thing we’ve ever been through as a family.  But we’re going to stick together – and the things we can keep normal, we need to.  Dad doesn’t want you stopping anything for his sake.  Trust me.”

The boy looked out the window at the courtyard and studied it for a bit and then asked her, “Isn’t this the scariest thing you’ve ever been through?”

If she had let another second pass, she might have filtered her honesty.  But she simply answered, “No.”

His eyes widened.  “What was?”

“Holding my mother’s hand while she died, and realizing then I had to let go, and keep on living.”  They gazed at each other for a moment before she continued.  “I don’t mean to make it sound like what happened to Dad isn’t horrible.  It is.  It’s very sad and scary.  But I thought about my mom a lot last night.  And, for me, that Dad is still alive, and still so strong, and with us, is all that matters.  So as scared as I am of all the unknowns right now – as scared as we all are – I know I don’t need to let go of his hand.  I can still hold on.  And so can he.”

She began to blink rapidly; it was really much more than she had meant to spill out to the young boy.  She reached across the table and took a deep breath as she took his hand.  “But I sure am glad I did go on after my mom.  Just look at the prize that was waiting for me!”

“What?”

“You!  Don’t you know?  You’re everything to me.  To me and your Dad.”

He smiled outwardly then, but inside his heart split open and began to fill with more love for her than ever before.  He had never known the whole story about the grandmother he never knew, it was always too difficult for his mother to talk about.  But he understood now, even without the details.  And at that moment he amended the promise he’d made to himself earlier so that he would never let his father or mother down.  He’d swim.  He’d run.  He’d cheer for the home team.  And, somehow, he’d find a way to make his parent’s world not so scary again.  That would become his newest sport.

~ ~ ~

“Are you tired, Sport?”  David was.

“No, not really.”

“You don’t need to stay all day, you know.”

“I know.”

“Okay, you just let us know if you’re feeling tired.”

“I will.”

“Uncle Cal is comin’ in a little while.  Maybe he can take you back to their house a little later …spend some time with the guys.”

Jeff nodded, “Yeah, sounds good.”

The family looked back at the small television screen suspended on a long bracket that was now extended over the middle of David’s bed.  A pre-game show was on and it provided a good diversion.  David began nodding in an out of sleep.  He was on his back again, having completed the tour of duty on his chest by eleven-thirty.  It was almost noon and he was starting to feel hungry.

“Excuse me?” There was a soft rapping on the glass door that was half-way opened.  “Hi folks.”

All three looked up to see a young man they had not yet met.  Karen didn’t recognize him at all.

“Hello,” she smiled.

“Hi. My name is Bruce Hunter. I’m from physical therapy?”  He sounded a bit uncertain of his own role and looked apologetic before he’d finished introducing himself.  “Mr. Durling?”

“Yes?”

“I’m going to be overseeing your PT program while you’re here for the next several days.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” she extended her hand.  “I’m Karen Durling, this is our son, Jeff,” she nodded in the boy’s direction.

“Hi,” said Jeff as he sat up a bit straighter in the chair.

“Nice to meet you, Jeff.” He looked at David who extended his own hand. 

“Bruce.”

“I uh…I was going to review some information with you and get you acquainted with some of the things we’ll be doing in the next couple days.  If that’s okay?”

“Okay,” replied David. “That’s fine.”

“If this is a bad time I can come back in a little while.”

Karen looked over at Jeff and then back at Hunter, and wondered how old he was; twenty-five?  Thirty?  “No, this is fine, if it’s alright?  Do you need us to leave?”  She threw a glance toward her son and hoped he hadn’t noticed.

“Oh no, by all means you’re all welcome to stay!  This is good you’re all here,” he smiled and relaxed just a bit.  “I’m just going to get another chair.” He bumped his leg on the doorframe as he backed out of the room.

David watched him leave and then, with a slight grin, offered, “I have to admit, Kare. I didn’t think it mattered where I’d go to rehab.  But maybe Clear Water was a good choice.”

“River,” she corrected with a smile. “It’s Clear River. Give him a chance. We probably looked like we were in some kind of trance staring at the TV.”

Bruce scooted a steel-framed chair through the threshold and sat down at Karen’s left.

“Jeff – Honey turn the television off and push it back, please.”

He did, then sat back down, again sitting up straight, eager to be included in the discussion. 

Hunter gave him a warm smile and asked, “You a big baseball fan, Jeff?”

“Yeah,” he nodded.  “Pretty much every sport.”

“Got a favorite team?”

“Tigers, Lions and Michigan State.”

“Spartans!” he nodded and smiled again. “You look like you’re an athlete, too.  You play any particular sport?”

“I did baseball the last couple years; but I’m on a swim team this summer and I’m doing cross country next year.” he replied.  There was such a lightness and normalcy in the exchange that David felt badly for having judged the young man so quickly.  

“How old are you – I’m guessing…thirteen?”

“Eleven – and-a-half,” he answered proudly.

“Holy smoke!” his smile was kind back to the boy. “I’ve gotta believe you have an edge on your competition. Good for you.”  Jeff smiled at both his parents who gave it right back; then Hunter cleared his throat and went back to the subject at-hand. “Okay.  So …anytime you don’t understand something I’m explaining, or you have a question, please ask.  Interrupt me.  I don’t mind.  I know you’re probably very curious about what’s ahead and, frankly, it’s a lot – and by Monday you’re really going to be doing some tough work.”

“Alright, let’s talk about it.” David replied.

“Okay. First, I want to share that Doctor Morgan has already contacted Doctor Clarke, the CMO – Chief Medical Officer – at Clear River for you, so we’ll hopefully get approval for that soon; then we’ll arrange your transfer.  It’s a very good facility.  We have similar protocol, so what you begin here, you’ll be able to continue over there. But now I want to review the list of what we’ll focus on for the next five or so days, alright?”

Both Karen and David nodded and wished he would stop asking permission to do his job.

“It’s fine …go ahead,” assured David.

“So, first on the ‘to do’ list is fitting you for an abdominal binder.  Dr. Morgan spoke with you about that this morning, correct?”

“Yes – that’s the vest thing?”

“That’s right. We’ll have you in that by this afternoon, or later this evening at the latest, so we can initiate getting you in the upright position; in bed as well as in your wheelchair.”

David’s throat locked and Karen’s heart skipped a beat, and the air in the room became close and heavy.  There it was. The first time anyone had said the words together.  And they kicked around in front of everyone’s face, waiting for a reaction.  Your Wheelchair.  She moved her hand across the bed, and he took it and squeezed short and long grips, as if sending an S.O.S. 

Hunter had taken in the exchange and paused his explanation. “I know it doesn’t have a very familiar ring. This all takes some time.” His quieter tone and obvious compassion suddenly made him seem that much more competent.

“Go ahead.”

“Okay,” he swallowed. “We’ll be issuing you the appropriate chair for the type of injury you’ve sustained so you can become familiar with it.  It’s very important you feel comfortable with the chair, because in essence it will become your legs.  The wheelchair is not the enemy – it’s an ally.  At any point, if it doesn’t feel that way.  Tell us.”

David gave a slight nod.

“As you progress through outpatient, before you go home, the staff – at Clear River we’ll assume – will work with you on selecting one that is the best, based on your recovery and how far you’ve progressed. 

“Now, you’ve been repositioned every few hours since surgery.  That’s been to maintain your skin integrity and avoid pressure sores.  It’s one of the most important things you’ll need to begin doing for yourself from here on out.  So, once you’re sitting up, later today, we’re going to teach you how to do pressure reliefs for about thirty- to ninety-seconds at a time.  They’ll alleviate any pressure you’re unable to feel building up.  You’ll do those about every fifteen to thirty minutes.  The nursing staff will help you, too.  And you’ll still be alternating on your chest and back for the next several days; we just want you to become familiar with them as soon as possible.”

Jeff cleared his throat and leaned in just a bit.  “How long does he have to do those?”

The therapist gave a kind glance to the boy and altered a bit what he had just said, so that it sounded like new information.  “Oh – for about half-a-minute to a minute-and-a-half.”

Jeff shook his head. “No, I mean like how long does he need to keep doing them?”

David gripped Karen’s hand again and she started to form an answer, but Hunter beat her to the punch. 

“So … those will be something your dad does for the rest of his life, Jeff,” his voice was kind.  “But they will become very routine.”

The boy’s eyes widened and he moved backward for just a moment, then sat up again.  And before anyone could say anything else, Karen jumped in.

“I think maybe we need to stop for a few minutes, Bruce.  This is a lot of information – for all of us.”

“I understand.”

“Mom! I’m okay!”

“Honey, I didn’t say you weren’t.  And you’ll hear the rest later, too. But Dad is tired.  And Uncle Cal will be her soon.”  So what Karen!  She looked back to Hunter. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off like that.”

“No that’s okay. Really. Jeff, that was a good question.  Any other questions you have, ask me or your parents, or write them down.  Okay?”

The boy nodded.

David, who was feeling lightheaded from the conversation, combined with having had no food for more than twenty-four hours and from everyone trying so damned hard to help the other out, knew he could end the awkward comments and apologies quickly.  “Kare, I need the nurse.  My mouth is really dry.”

She nodded and Hunter rose from his chair and began pushing it back out toward the nurse’s station.

“Mr. Durling, I’m here till late this afternoon.  I’ll check back in a while. Probably around two.”

David nodded.  The young man was being very kind, but he was on a mission to get his ‘to do’ list read.  “That’s fine – thank you.” 

“Of course. Take it easy, Jeff.”  The boy offered a nod, but the smile was gone. “Mrs. Durling, I’ll see you later?”

“Yes, definitely.  I’ll be here, thank you.  I’ll walk out with you – I need to get the nurse.”  After they were out of view from her husband and son, she offered, “I am really sorry I cut you off in there.  You were being very kind, and I didn’t mean to be so abrupt.”

“Oh, you’re okay!  Really, it’s alright.”

“This is just so – we don’t know what anybody is going to be saying, and I probably shouldn’t have had Jeff there but, you know, he’s going to have to hear it at some point and I don’t want to keep things from him, but David is worried about him and how he’s going to react. I am too, of course.  But – Jeff seemed to be doing okay. Don’t you think? Like he told you, he’s eleven.  I don’t know where that puts him with all of this.  He’s still a kid in so many ways …but he’s not.”  She caught her breath.  “I’m sorry.”

“Mrs. Durling. Please stop apologizing. You’re fine.  And Jeff looks like he’s doing really well.  You’re right, this is a hard age.  We’ll work together to make sure everyone is as comfortable as possible.”

She thanked him again and thought then that, perhaps, David should stay at the hospital’s program.  Hunter seemed so nice, and certainly capable of handling the three of them.  But she brushed the thought away.  She had told Morgan she didn’t want nice but incomparable.  David deserved that.  And that would be the difference between Clear River and any place else.

EIGHT

There was a soft rapping on the glass.  “Hey! Look alive!”

David looked up toward his brother’s voice.  “Hey —”  Thank God you’re here.

Karen smiled and silently thanked him for bringing a wave of fresh air into the room and even Jeff’s eyes brightened when he saw his uncle.  Cal squeezed the boy’s shoulder and let his hand rest there.  “You get some sleep last night, kiddo?”

“Yeah,” he nodded.  “I did.”

“Good.”  He glanced at David and back at Jeff.  “Then I’m springing you in about an hour; Joey wants to go swimming and asked if I’d bring you back.”

“Sounds like a great plan,” said David.

“Okay,” Jeff agreed.

Karen had stood up and offered a hug, whispering ‘thank you’ before she pulled away.  He nodded his acknowledgement before letting go.  Then he looked down at David and, in a silent language the two brothers had mastered long ago, conveyed what he couldn’t say in front of Jeff.

“How you doing?”

David nodded just slightly.  “Doing okay.”

“The doctor is really pleased,” Karen added.

“Good,” he nodded.  “That’s great.” 

“How’s everything going?” asked David.

“Good. Under control.  I sent out a few more crews this morning to follow-up on the storm.”  He paused and then lowered his voice a pitch.  “Everyone sends their best.”

Karen glanced down at her watch; it was just after Noon, and she was finally hungry and felt she could leave for a few minutes with Cal there.

“Jeff, let’s let Uncle Cal visit with Dad for a bit while we get some lunch.  Then you’ll have time to be back a while before you leave.” 

“Okay,” the boy stood and took a few steps, but stopped and looked back at his father.  “We’ll be right back.”

David smiled gently, “Okay Sport.  You take your time; go get the cheeseburger you wanted for breakfast,” he winked.

She put her arm around Jeff’s shoulder and, as they began to leave, she paused and glanced back.  “We’ll probably sit outside – get some fresh air.  Half-hour or so?” 

“Sounds good.” He watched them disappear and then his eyes found his brother’s.

There was a shared silence for a few more moments; Cal rubbed his nose and quietly cleared his throat and lowered himself into Karen’s chair. And then he reached for his brother’s hand. 

The tenderness of the moment was what David needed but more than he was prepared for.  And before he could stop them, tears began to fill his eyes and roll silently down his cheeks as his breath caught and ruffled.  Cal held his hand and let him go on as long as he needed.

After a few minutes David steadied himself and took in a long breath.  “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”  He replied.  “It took thirty-eight years for me to be able to help you.  I’d cry too if I had to wait that long.”

“Yeah – right.”  He took in a deep breath and then let it all back out.  “Oh Jesus, Caleb.  What the hell am I gonna do now?”

“You’ll make it,” he said quietly. “You’ll make it because Karen is going to make damn sure you do.”

He looked directly at his brother.  “How is she?”

“Whose version do you want?  Hers, Mom’s or mine?”

“Whose do you think?”

“Honestly?  She’s been incredibly strong.  She’s had her moments; we all have. But you’ve always given her credit for being determined and laser-focused, and she was certainly both yesterday.”  Then his expression changed.  “She told you about last night, with Jeff?”

“You know she didn’t,” his eyes widened.  “What happened?”

Cal sat back in the chair and rubbed his mouth with his hand.  “Don’t you dare tell her I told you.”

“What happened?

“Well, for starters, don’t think your rule about not swearing around your son has spared him any vocabulary lessons.  I even picked up a few new ones.”  He smiled lightly but in the next moment it vanished.  “It didn’t go well.  He doesn’t think you should have gone to Dee Mercer’s, and basically told us that she took her fat hand and shoved you off her ledge.  And if he had his way, she’d go off right after you.  Except he prefers she land in Hell, instead of at the foot of the Maumee River.”

“Oh Jesus Christ!  It isn’t her fault.”

“We told him that.  More than once.  Why didn’t you tell her you would send someone down later?  What time did she call you?”

“I don’t know – I was getting ready to leave.  Why wouldn’t I have gone for God’s sake; she’s a mile down the road!  What does it matter?”

He shook his head.  “It doesn’t.  I just wish— I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.”  He let out a sigh.  “Go figure.”

“I’ve been trying to for the last twelve hours.  It just won’t add up.”  He raised his hand and began rubbing his forehead.  “Cal – I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to do this.”  His hand came down naturally and rested on his leg. He didn’t feel a thing.  “We just had some guy in here from physical therapy, who looked like he just graduated from high school, telling me all about ‘my wheelchair’ and how it’s going to be my friend, and if it starts feeling like the enemy I should let him know.  What the fuck does that mean? For starters, nothing feels like anything because I can’t feel a damn thing.  And secondly –” his voice trailed off.  “Secondly, there is no secondly because there’s nothing left.  It’s gone.  I mean, I am lying here talking to you and I can feel my heart pounding, but that’s about it!

“I don’t know when I piss, although I know I do, because they keep coming in here and emptying the damn bag.  I haven’t taken a shit yet; but that’ll be fun.  I’m turned over every two hours so that the pressure on my skin won’t cut off my circulation and cause ulcers because I’ll die – literally – if that happens.  And now Karen is insisting I go to some exclusive rehab home so I can get the best possible care.  For what?  What can they do in one place that they can’t do here, or anywhere?”

“David – hey…man, I am the last person who’ll sugarcoat this for you.  But you’ve gotta go on.  I mean – you’ve got to go on.  You made it out of yesterday alive; don’t stop now! Yes, this is a fucking nightmare, and you got a raw deal.  But …” He looked down for a moment then back at his brother. “You were almost gone in the ER. Imagine what Karen would be doing today; she wouldn’t be downstairs buying a cheeseburger for your son.  And it wouldn’t be a rehab program she was picking out. Brother – you got royally screwed.  But you’re alive.  And your life, altered as it may be, is better than the alternative.”

David sighed and looked up at the ceiling.  The tiles were well memorized by then.  “I want nothing more than to believe that, Cal; swear to God. But what kind of life will this be?” He shook his head as he began to think about Karen and his voice was quieter as he continued. “I love her so much.  She is my life.  They both are.  But think what she’ll go through for the rest of her life because of this.”

“You’d do the same for her and you know it.  And you’d be as insistent about her care as she’s being about yours.  And twice as protective.”

He closed his eyes and sighed, and repositioned his head as he looked up at his brother.  “Well – I need you to watch out for her right now.” The defeat in his voice was undeniable.  “I know she’ll push herself.”

“She may push herself, but if you’d chosen her version of how she’s doing, you’d know she’s planning on pulling you through whatever she needs to, to bring you out safely on the other side.  She’s not scared about what’s ahead.  At least, not as scared as she was about losing you.  That’s what she kept telling Jeff.”

“What?”

“That you’re alive.  That’s all she needed to know.  And she promised Jeff that she’d make it okay.  For you and for him.  For all of you.”

He sighed heavily again.  “I don’t want her to have to break her promise.”

“Then don’t let her.  Let her do what she needs to do.  For everyone.”

He stared up at the tiles again and after a few moments replied, “I’m sorry. I know how much of — everything — is going to fall to you.”

His brother shook his head. “That’s the last time you’ll say you’re sorry. I’ve got you. And I’ll make sure Karen’s okay — that she doesn’t push herself to try to do too much. But I sure as hell expect you to push yourself — go where she wants you to for rehab and do what you need to do. Then get yourself home and get back to your life.” He gave a slight, knowing grin. “In other words, don’t fuck up, big brother. Because it won’t be nearly as fun until you’re there.”

~ ~ ~

“Okay, Jeffrey, you ready?” Cal looked over at his nephew.  David looked drained and Karen wasn’t far behind.

“I guess so.”  He looked at his father who was back on his chest.  “You sure you don’t mind if I leave?”

“Not at all, Sport.  Thanks for being here with me.  I’ll see you later when Aunt Lynne comes, or tomorrow for sure.  If you want to hang out with the guys this evening, that’s fine.”

“No, I wanna come back!”

“Good,” he smiled.  “I want you to.  Just be sure to have some fun this afternoon, alright?”

The boy nodded and then turned to hug his mother and, it seemed, he held on a bit longer than usual.

David looked up at his brother. “Thank you,” he offered quietly.

Cal nodded his understanding.  “Absolutely.  You both take it easy.”  He put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder.  “Your Mom and Dad look like they’re gonna fall asleep.  Let’s let ‘em get some rest.  Karen, we’ll see you later.”

She nodded and offered her thanks, and the couple watched them disappear. After a few moments she turned to David. “We’re so lucky. He’s such a good kid and he’s done so well all day.”

He thought about Cal’s recount of last evening.  “He seems to be handling it okay.  But…”

“But what?”

“It’s just the first day, I’m not sure it’s really sunk in yet.  It’s going to take time for him to process all this. And I don’t want him to try and take too much on.”

“I won’t let that happen.  I told him that you and I want him to have a full summer.  He understood.  And I am not going to let him become overburdened or take on too much.”  A look of realization crossed her face.  “Correction,” she smiled.  “We won’t let that happen.  We’ll work with him, but we need to let him spend as much time here as we can—the first few days.  By Monday we’ll talk about more of a schedule, or regular time to come in.”  She paused for a moment before adding, “He’ll be okay.” 

He held out his hand because he very much needed to touch her.  Her reassurance was everything he needed because, as the fog of the anesthesia was wearing off, the memory of yesterday was growing clearer, and it was hard to chase away. A slight move of his foot. The subtle shift of his body.  The look on Jeff’s face. 

He shut his eyes to try to shake the thoughts, but they were there just the same, so he opened them again and offered her a small smile, but a shadow of sadness was all around him.

She rubbed his hand with her thumb. “How are you doing?”

He repositioned his cheek on the mattress. “Oh – I go between believing I can handle this, to not believing it happened.  I just – I can’t believe it.”

“I know,” she nodded. Her voice was gentle and so full of love.    

He sighed heavily. “Our friend is coming back soon to give us the rest of the ‘to do’ list.  What was his name?”

“Bruce.”

“Bruce.  I keep thinking Bryce.”

“That’s because you can never keep names straight,” she smiled.  “So far today you’ve got Bryce sending you to Clear Water.”

“It probably wouldn’t make any difference if Bruce sent me to Clear River or Bryce sent me to Dirty Water.  The outcome will be the same.”

She wanted to assure him the outcome would be all of them moving forward, together.  But she’d said as much so often that day.  He was processing it all, too.  So, they fell silent again and, while she held his hand, her expression suddenly changed as she remembered what she had intended to do earlier that morning, before Jeff arrived.  

She gently took her hand from his, reached into her purse hanging by its strap on the back of her chair and withdrew a small envelope printed with the words, Personal Items.  She lifted the flap, tipped the opening to her palm and let the two precious pieces rest there.

Their eyes met, and after several moments of silence she asked quietly.  “May I?”

He held her gaze a bit longer, then offered a small nod.

She leaned in close and he lifted his head just slightly as she placed the Saint Christopher medal around his neck and carefully slid her hand between the mattress and his chest to ensure it rested evenly; the warmth of her touch on his skin was a balm.  Then she took his hand again and, with the same tenderness, slipped the plain gold band onto his finger. 

He held her hand in his as his eyes scanned her face and then, very softly, offered, “I love you, Karen.”

“I love you, too,” she replied in the same gentle tone. “Now, please – try to get some rest.”

He knew he would not sleep.  So, instead, this time when he closed his eyes, he forced his mind to push away the haunting thoughts and brought forward a sweeter memory; the last sweet memory of the two of them.  As one.   

“It’s okay.  I’m right here…” he rubbed his wife’s bare shoulder as she inched closer to his body.

He was lying on his left side, and his left arm was under his head as he stroked her skin with the other hand.  His legs were drawn up, just a bit, so that his body created a gentle arc in which she could nestle her slender form.  She lay on her left side, too and, after a moment, moved her right hand back and began to lightly caress his thigh.  Her fingers moved up and down gracefully and, as she passed the bone of his hip, she stopped and moved back to it and, with the tip of her finger, slowly fashioned delicate spirals on his skin.

“I hate being afraid,” she whispered as she squinted to shield her eyes from the lightning.  It was just before daybreak and the flashes were coming so quickly that every few seconds the room lit up in a blue-yellow blaze, and then it went dark again.

He kissed her shoulder. “You’re okay. It’ll pass over soon.”  A crack of thunder drowned out his soft tone.  “Count the seconds between the thunder.”

Slowly she turned from her side to her back.  She knew he was looking down into her eyes and he moved his hand to her cheek to wipe away the last of the quiet tears.

“You would think after twenty years I could get past the memory of a bad thunderstorm,” she whispered.

He kissed her forehead gently.  “It’s not the thunder that scares you, Sweetheart.”  He put his hand under her chin and tilted her face so she could feel his soft gaze through the dark room.  “It’s the sadness of who you lost in the storm, and your memories of her are good.  The storm just clouds the memories sometimes.  You’re okay; I’m right here.”

A streak of lightning lit his face and threw blue shadows around the room.  Her shoulders tensed and she inched closer to him so that her face was buried in his chest.  He smelled sweet and warm. 

As the seconds turned to minutes between the claps of thunder, he hugged her close and she began to breathe in the smell of his skin and then, finally, she began to relax.  And as she did, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to wander through the beautiful landscape before her.

Gently, her lips parted and, at first, she moved her tongue slowly around his soft, firm skin.  Then she let her lower lip follow the path she had made.  Inch by inch.

His back straightened and his legs followed form.  He took in a deep breath and smiled and bent his head and kissed her hair lightly.

“Oh…Mrs. Durling,” he whispered.  “Just look what you’ve gone and done.”

“I can’t see a thing,” he heard her smile.

He moved his arm up and down the satin of her back, and then, with more intention, began making strong, even strokes, like a painter priming a clean, fresh canvas.  On a downstroke, he moved his hand to hers, guiding it from the bone of his hip to the lower, stronger branch between them.

“You don’t need to see …when you can feel,” he whispered.

She closed her eyes.  She loved what she felt and cherished knowing that it was because of her he could become so strong, so quickly.  She held on as he moved his arm up and around her back.  Then, with one soft turn, he lifted her body to rest on top of his, and he leaned back down on the pillow, smiling in the dark as he prepared to journey with his Angel to their private Promised Land.

Her knees pressed gently to his sides as she lowered her head and kissed his chest.  She caressed his skin and with her mouth left a warm, wet path down his body – through the soft clearing, and then lower still, into the forest that was warm and dense and safe.

His body began to rise and fall as she watered the ground with the warm rain from her mouth.  She moved her hands away and held on with her tongue.  It danced on the treetop and then plunged down the trunk, awakening every root below.

He was beginning to move more quickly, and she wanted to calm him.  So, with a swift sweeping motion she dipped into her own river and drew a taste of the salty water that she knew would sustain him.

She moved her hand to his mouth. “You need a drink,” she whispered. “Sip slowly.”

His lips parted as he took in the warm, enchanting drink, and his tongue raced in and out of her fingers so he would not leave a drop of the precious nectar behind.

He believed he was near Heaven, and what had just been wholly of this world became entirely divine.

His back began to arch, and she felt herself melt into his chest as her river overflowed onto his own strong and solid shore. Their hearts raced in perfect unison.  She reached up to his shoulders, and as he lifted his head she slid her hands behind his neck and clasped her fingers together.  As he raised his body from the bed she buried her face in his neck and her tongue flicked in and out, dancing like a brush fire.  She held on tightly and locked her legs around him.  And he laid her gently back down.

She was ready then, and his offertory was eager to be delivered to her altar.  Her legs parted as he entered the dark, warm vestibule.  Already he could feel the rising vibrato of her choir as he made his way closer to the tabernacle.  The banquet she had prepared for him was absolutely breathtaking and he covered her in kisses of thanks and praise.  And through the dim shadows now swirling in the room, he saw her eyes flicker like blue flames from votive candles on the altar’s surface.  As he moved up within her, as close as he could get to the lip of the chalice, she arched her body back so that the cup began to overflow.  And as his water mixed with her wine, their bodies fused, and the blood coursed through their veins with such a force that even the choirs of angels who were certainly surrounding them could not match the feeling of rapture they had made for one another.

He stayed at the foot of the altar for several moments, savoring every bit of their shared communion.  Then, gently, he began his recessional as she slowly opened the doors for him.  As he left the sanctuary she moved to her side, sidling close to him so that she could enjoy the aroma of the sweet incense that rose from his body.

She breathed in deeply and smiled and bowed her head as his hand moved back to her for the final blessing.  And as daylight began to nudge through the dawn, her fears of storms and winds, and thunder and lightning, had been replaced, magically, by the gentle, calming rains of her own sweet savior.

She thanked God for him.

And as he lay peaceful beside his Angel, he thanked God for her.

“Hi folks!”

He didn’t want to open his eyes for fear the memory would never be as clear again. He kept them closed and allowed her to greet him alone.

“Hi Bruce, how are you?”

“Fine.  Uh – is he sleeping?  Do you want me to come back?”

“No,” he said quietly as he lifted his eyeslids. “I’m awake.  You’re fine.”

“Oh good. Okay.”  He moved into the room and put his hand toward the empty chair.  “Okay to sit here?”

“By all means — Bruce,” she replied.  She smiled at her husband at their private joke.

He offered a gentle smile in return, not at the private joke, but at the private memory that he hoped would be able to sustain him – and her – in the days, weeks – the life – to come.  He knew someone, somewhere down the line would try to tell them that things could be good again, and they would find new ways to make each other complete.  And he would try his best to understand how and believe in the hereafter.  But he was certain then what the true price of having felt Heaven on Earth would be, and it was nothing short of a living Hell.